Disclaimer!
This post is NOT intended for self plugging. Those who know my reviewing style will understand how bloody obsessed I am on all things plot and character details. I got outdone here and I feel the need to let my own shame be outed. T_T
My reply
I got totally emasculated by your review. Serious. And to think that I used to see your style as my mirror-image. Finally Karma. x.x Now due to an insane brain-freeze being incurred, I think I can just only highlight certain points requiring further statements.
Firstly, yes the setting of this story IS high-fantasy based, But I don't want to create something along the line of LOTR. Maybe you can call it an alternate ver of The Children of Hurin. Or perhaps as I prefer to call it, Tolkien meets G.R.R Martin. Yeah I know it sounds weird especially given that the epic fantasy elements are geared more towards the Forgotten Realms/D&D settings. If you understand the target-age audience for the Warhammer series (both 40K and Fantasy), then I believe you should have a very clear mark on where I want to go here. In fact my only clear-cut intention so far is to create poignant visualizations and provocation of thoughts. Age range wise, I'm ashamed to say that I didn't think that much. T_T Speaking of that, I believe Nasu Kinoko's impact on me might be far more srs then I'd like to believe otherwise. O.o
Funnily enough, your concept on war and murder here actually doesn't have anything to do with my intentions, YET you're truly spot on when it comes to how I plan to choreograph the whole us-vs-them social-political structure. In a very twisted sense, your very wild guess turned out to be bloody damned prophetic.
As for the Kalaran Dream, it's a cruel satire towards the American Dream where reality would forever be beyond the grasp of humanity itself. That's what I'm trying to bring across. But then again, I saw some truth in your words in-plot wise. Esp the gossiping womenfolk=us-vs-them ala civilian style. Funnily enough, I do have to add in the part of apathy shown towards the murdered victim as part of the equation. Which comes to mind a logic I made known to a fellow bloke at work earlier on: That Man can never defeat Man, let alone Heaven itself.
On Aeranath, I lol'ed hard. Not because I'm mocking you, but due to my Twitter account. Simply put, Aeranath doesn't exist one way or another. This is just an object of reminder to do something worthwhile on my stalled-for-centuries-writing. T_T In fact I find it surreal that you can have an alternative take on his character where in essence, all the rest saw him as a pariah cum murderer (Remember The Red Lions. Doing their duty to enforce order=killed like shit. X.X). tbh I'm not too sure if you've read thru his character concept section in my blog. B/c if so, then quite obviously... nah won't spoil it for you anyway. :P
As for the critique you've highlighted here, it's pretty much interesting that you can offer a counter-intuitive view compared to the rest. In fact everything said by you had gone beyond my original self-limitations of tense consistencies. Hopefully I can develope a constructive form of stress where I can really find ways to go about solving what should be truly solved apart from the whole tense inconsistency lulz.
Firstly, yes the setting of this story IS high-fantasy based, But I don't want to create something along the line of LOTR. Maybe you can call it an alternate ver of The Children of Hurin. Or perhaps as I prefer to call it, Tolkien meets G.R.R Martin. Yeah I know it sounds weird especially given that the epic fantasy elements are geared more towards the Forgotten Realms/D&D settings. If you understand the target-age audience for the Warhammer series (both 40K and Fantasy), then I believe you should have a very clear mark on where I want to go here. In fact my only clear-cut intention so far is to create poignant visualizations and provocation of thoughts. Age range wise, I'm ashamed to say that I didn't think that much. T_T Speaking of that, I believe Nasu Kinoko's impact on me might be far more srs then I'd like to believe otherwise. O.o
Funnily enough, your concept on war and murder here actually doesn't have anything to do with my intentions, YET you're truly spot on when it comes to how I plan to choreograph the whole us-vs-them social-political structure. In a very twisted sense, your very wild guess turned out to be bloody damned prophetic.
As for the Kalaran Dream, it's a cruel satire towards the American Dream where reality would forever be beyond the grasp of humanity itself. That's what I'm trying to bring across. But then again, I saw some truth in your words in-plot wise. Esp the gossiping womenfolk=us-vs-them ala civilian style. Funnily enough, I do have to add in the part of apathy shown towards the murdered victim as part of the equation. Which comes to mind a logic I made known to a fellow bloke at work earlier on: That Man can never defeat Man, let alone Heaven itself.
On Aeranath, I lol'ed hard. Not because I'm mocking you, but due to my Twitter account. Simply put, Aeranath doesn't exist one way or another. This is just an object of reminder to do something worthwhile on my stalled-for-centuries-writing. T_T In fact I find it surreal that you can have an alternative take on his character where in essence, all the rest saw him as a pariah cum murderer (Remember The Red Lions. Doing their duty to enforce order=killed like shit. X.X). tbh I'm not too sure if you've read thru his character concept section in my blog. B/c if so, then quite obviously... nah won't spoil it for you anyway. :P
As for the critique you've highlighted here, it's pretty much interesting that you can offer a counter-intuitive view compared to the rest. In fact everything said by you had gone beyond my original self-limitations of tense consistencies. Hopefully I can develope a constructive form of stress where I can really find ways to go about solving what should be truly solved apart from the whole tense inconsistency lulz.
)>0<(
The reason why:
This is a brilliant story! This story drew me in right from the first paragraph where you describe what happened to the Orc. It's a brilliant beginning which is immediately engaging and thought-provoking and acts as a great hook to encourage your readers to keep reading. I especially love the inclusion of the text in bold. This abstract way of offering more information and insight dispersed throughout the narrative certainly made your story very unique and memorable and it is something I have not seen done before. It was also disturbing that Aernath trading in his kill for money. It showed how damaged and callouss the world they live in truly is.
The writing of this was fantastic. You have such a vivid imagination and you are an incredibly talented writer. The description was so enriching and enabled me to really build up a clear, vivid picture of everything. Some parts of the description I thought were particularly effective were: "The heavy breathing was sensed by the nocturnal life, their sights staying clear" and "The price of foolish pride being a sea of blood and screams." It's all brilliant imagery and indicative of a great writer. Sentence structure was also good and you mixed it up occasionally to keep your story entertaining to read, for example you occasionally place the adverb first: "Utterly shakened by what had transpired, all the lone Orc could recall..." However, I noticed that you use the word "Shakened" which is not a word. The past tense of shake is shook, although in this case you ought you use "Utterly shaken" on its own. I absolutely love this section at the beginning: "The abyss hidden in those eyes were branded unto the depths of fading sanity, gluttonous fear devouring whatever that was left. A demon had appeared and playing the Reapers' score." That was genius. You have an incredible way with words, as though you are painting a picture with them.
I love the philosophical ideas running through this, particularly regarding war and massacre and how we ruin for our own selfish purposes. You touch upon how war is really just as a battle for power and a form of entertainment, and we as a society appear to completely overlook any cruelty. It is unnerving that so many people choose ignorance as a side. They refuse to believe that there is war going on or that their world is being damaged. They overlook all of these things, rather they force themselves to believe they live in a perfect, idyllic world of colour and beauty, when underneath the overcoat their homes are nothing but shadows, burnt from the wreckage and the horrors that war brings. For example, you describe "Idiocy was the sole reason why this very race had never attempted any mass raiding on the highest scale" and also how "The laughter of futility justifing the insane massacre" (however there is another spelling mistake here as it needs to 'justifying' not 'justifing.') Your piece made me reflect upon how really the only reason so many horrors go by unnoticed is simply because of human ignorance, for we would rather turn a blind eye to it rather than believing it exists, instead forcing ourselves to believe we live in a utopia than in a wreckage, simply because if we were to believe we live in a world of tragedy, we feel we would succumb to that world.
Another philosophical idea I picked up on was that of equality. You describe how "Knowing their status would understand the Kalaran dream. Alas the world has never been fair to all. Such has been the law of equality." That lead me onto thinking about the place of equality, status and acceptance not only in the world your story is set in, but also in the very world we live in. Reputation plays such an important role in society and the moment you are born you are uncontrollably chained to a certain status with very little chance to escape. It seems to go against humanity that there are so many divisions in society, especially when considering the fact that we are all human beings on this planet and should therefore all be equal anyway. It seems ridiculous to think that just because two people happen to born in different places, that all autonomy is lost and they will have no choice but to follow a route already planned out for them since birth, one which will lead to certain greatness, and the other which will lead to nothing but misery and falling. Another place where the importance of reputation is mentioned is when you describe the how the "Womenfolk revelled in their idle gossips" clearly showing they take pleasure in mocking and slandering others who may not have the same reputation as them. In a way they are shunning away anyone they do not want to be a part of their society, again showing the fact that it seems almost unfeasible that humans can ever learn to be equal.
I particularly loved the part when Aernath arrives and at first there is so much prejudice against him before anyone has learnt anything about him. I got the impression that he is a man of few words, what with the fact that he did not respond to any of the probing questions, and he appears enigmatic. He only says what is necessary and does not bother with idle chit-chat and therefore gossip and interfering with anyone else's affairs but his own, thus contrasting him sincerely with the gossiping females from earlier, and immediately suggests he is an outcast from that world where reputation and status is so important. He is a great character, obviously trained in battle and I think he may be able to help heal their damaged world. I must say I was cheering for him when he fought the drunkard. You have created a strong character we can really empathise with.
There were some parts that were not as strong. "Orcish stamina finally caving in, he paused to take a breather. The coast should be clear by now, the distance closed was far enough." Firstly, there needs to be a semi-colon to connect the two sections of the second sentence: "The coast should be clear by now{;} the distance closed was far enough." Also, I think there is some tense confusion here. You are writing in past tense, and then suddenly give us the present tense sentence of "The coast should be clear by now." If this is a part of his thoughts, you must italicise. If not, then it needs to be "The coast should have been clear by now." Also, you state "Tales of the killer would surely spread like wildfire with the aid of some fibbing." You are describing rumours spreading like wildfire? Really? That is a bit of a lame, cliche simile and it has been used constantly. Up until now your similies were very unique and almost magical. I am sure you could think of something more original. In addition, I was not particularly fond of the sentence "The Orc growled in annoyance as he stomped off." I got the image of a toddler here. I think you need something much more powerful than "Stomped" to make it even more effective. Call me immature, but "Children were frolicking" has very rude connotations. I would advise against it. Spelling out "Heh heh heh" just felt very awkward. That is something you do when you are texting, not writing professionally. I think it would be better to say he chuckled or laughed. Finally, I think you need to think about your target audience. Who are you aiming this story at? It would be a great pre-teen/teen story what with all the magic and elves and the fantasy world you are creating. However, your extremely complex vocabulary and sentence structure even led me to confusion in many places, so I do not think it would be suitable for them. As for a young adult/adult audience I am not particularly sure that a story about magic and elves, etc, would appeal, at least not without it being strongly compared to Lord of The Rings and therefore may not be seen as original. This problem can easily be solved if you just make sure you know who your target audience is and the demographic of your readers so you can aim to write for them as well as ensuring you are writing for a wider audience as well.
Otherwise this is a brilliant story and I cannot wait to read more! You are a very inspiring writer. Keep writing and following your dreams! :D
-Vicky x
)>0<(
P.S: Suddenly discovered a VERY shocking fact upon doing random tracking of my stats traffic - Referred from park shin hye wiki Google image search-->程廣生的第一名言终于应验于本人身上了：
郭明辉。。。
你死定了！！！！！
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