Anwar Jamiladin: Thank you very much, Psy-Go. This is Anwar Jamiladin reporting live from London. It seems that unlike the general reaction from the Spanish media, the local media here has already gotten into an overdrive. The number one English tabloid, The Mooned, has already proclaimed victory in securing interviewing rights. Whether this is true or not remains to be seen since The Mooned's fiercest rival, The Security, has come out with exact claims one day after. But maybe let's hear what the Stamford Bridge faithful has to say here.
Faithful 1: Oh my god! I can't believe it! We're gonna get Jose back again all for free! God is back!
Faithful 2: I really hope we will win the Champion's League soon enough. This isn't the end of England! It's only the beginning for the Krauts!
Faithful 3: Our Russian owner employed Jose just to win the Champion's League. He failed to do so because of ex-Soviet Union elements interfering with us! Di Matteo won us that Holy Grail last time round, have we heard of God punishing Galahad? One Monty Python is more than enough, thank you very much!
Faithful 4: Not holding out my hopes here. Special people will always rebel against any not so special system. Jose is the Special One, I don't see anything special about sacking managers. For fuck's sake, we should have gotten Ferguson! That way, Roman would have sacked him within three months and Manchester United will never have him back as well!
Faithful 5: We should have gotten Van Persie, we ended up with Torres instead. Rafa? Who cares about Rafa? His only merit was to revive Torres halfway from the dead! But at least El Nino didn't go tits up the same way like Sheva last time round.
Anwar Jamiladin: Well, that's some rabid process of surveying. But anyway, it seems now that I'm living in Paris all over again. This is Anwar Jamiladin reporting from London.
Me: Well, so now let's talk about the real matter at hand. 25th of May will be the day where Germany shall sing God Save the Queen. So here we have in the studio now two renowned pundits, one a Chinese and the other a Japanese. On my right, we have Kantou Eirou. On the left we've got Willy Hung. So, Eirou-san, what's your take on the final being held at Wembley?
Kantou Eirou: Firstly, I suspect that you're a Korean despite you holding a British passport. Now with this out of the way, let me say that Bayern Munich shouldn't be viewed as the default favourite. You see, by setting up shop in a posh hotel across the English Channel, the Bavarians are actually playing mind games with Die Schwarzgelben. In short, it's called winding people up. Sir Alex Ferguson tried that before, he won ten out of ten times. Jose Mourinho did the same, he achieved similar victories.
Willy Hung: But if FC Hollywood won, surely that will end up as real celebration, no? I agree with Kantou-san, but I need to add that the Bavarians have secured a mental edge just by that.
Me: So what will be the key battles fought?
Willy Hung: Firstly, Bayern has a problem and the problem has a name. He's called Arjen Robben.
Me: Just because of his bust up with Louis Van Gaal, Franck Ribery, and Thomas Muller?
Willy Hung: That's all in the past. The players are now bumping bro fists instead while Robben has chose to defend his ex-boss. You see, the problem with Robben is this. He has good ball control, but there's only this much he can do on the pitch.
Me: Like?
Kantou Eirou: Like Robben's ability to run along the touchline and cutting inside from the flank. Tactically, that will only mean one thing. Either Robben crosses the ball far out from the side or he will cut inside to create space for players like Ribery and Muller gunning forward. However, we must also know that a solid defence across the pitch will half the chances of threat coming from him.
Willy Hung: But we must also note that Bastian Schweinsteiger is the real danger posed against Jurgen Klopp's men. Both teams play like Die Mannschaft under Joachim Low, both played a rather physical attacking 4-2-3-1 with a flair player granted the absolute roaming freedom playing just behind the centre forward and two wing forwards. Jupp Heynckes' team is one which focuses more on ball retention going up front. With Javi Martinez manning the fort just in front of the back four, such a tactic will ensure Die Bastion's absolute freedom in breaking up play just about anywhere. Left, right, centre, everywhere.
Me: So is it be a long shot to say Heynckes will allow Schweinsteiger to press forward?
Kantou Eirou: Most definitely. Die Schwarzgelben's greatest strength lies not in superior ball possession, but the manner which they win back the ball and breaking forward. The danger can come from the flanks, you can't do a shit without muzzling that guy playing behind the wingers and centre forward. In this sense, Borussia Dortmund do play like Barcelona. Not via tika-taka, but definitely in an exciting expansive style.
Me: So in short, it will be Die Bastion versus Die Unbekannt?
Willy Hung: Bingo there, Korean English. If Bayern ends up having Robben muzzled instead, they will be in deep trouble because we'll be talking up a three man ball retention play rather than four players sharing the job. Heynckes can't afford to run that risk, the only way is to open up space for Robben to exploit.
Me: Thank you very much, Kantou Eirou-san and Mr Willy Hung for this most insightful take on tomorrow's biggest day. And to round things off, here's an interesting take from fans loyal to either end.
FC Hollywooder: Proud to be Bavarian, man! We're gonna hammer those Marxist bastards, we're gonna have an early Oktoberfest!
Die Schwarzgelben-er: They have money, they can keep their asses! I can assure you that no sane fan in our ranks is racist, mental hospitals are for crazy idiots. Kloppo was cruelly character assassinated, he's not a racist! We all know Kloppo respects the Chinese because the man who revolutionised war is actually one! We at Dortmund will greet Sunday's sun with this song. Ready, folks?
~~~Robben, Robben, ran from the flank...
Robben, Robben, fell from the plank...
All of Kaiser's men and all of Kaiser's medics can't re-mend botak Robben ever again~~~
No comments:
Post a Comment