Originally entitled Le Bâtard d'Hornyville, but I fear for my life after Bill Clinton's feat kenna pwned by my own beloved conservative society. Anyway, we all know the current debacle surrounding Triple-F, 'tis anything but funny [1]. If there's one thing we, les citoyens d'Singapour, are famous for apart from longzong hiu'lan and boh hiu'lan, it would be this. Thankfully, my parents had never discouraged me from walking le chemin d'aventurier.
Note-Yet to complete my DLC mutli-part post for Un Conte de Garde Forestier, but I'll be back asap. YNWA, Wade Wilson.
La Catalyseur
Time to **** Deschamps
(but before I start...)
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Wtf was Didier "~you don't know what you're doing~" Deschamps is doing? I have no issues with him saying "hey let's stuff them Ukranians 'cuz Le President tried that before lulz!" [2]
My only problem with his tactics? Les Bleus don't take orders from Michal Bilek. I still remember how the Czechs managed to checkmate their opponents during Euro 2012, it's actually down to having Jaroslav "ninja d'Czech" Plašil deployed in a holding CM role despite him being more of an attacking midfielder.
A look at Ukraine and we'll know how the Dynamic 4 works. Ukraine, this time round, favours a flat middle 4. Either 4-4-2 or 4-1-4-1. A lot had been said on them Ukrainians attacking like a daring force of Elven cavalry, a lot was spoken about their devastating counterattacks. Is it that simple?
The best thing about 4-2-3-1 lies in tactical versatility. Yet, it will also mean lesser chances of survival once you try correct players+incorrect roles. I don't believe in players deployed out of position, but I believe in stupidity due to not understanding your players' attributes. Mark "you try getting ****ing near him!" Venus attempted playing Loki against Blackburn, we longzong balik laukui.
How to screw people with counteroffensive measure
I'm not about to use this as an example, let's talk proper football. Anybody with layman's knowledge can and will tell you one very simple thing: counterattacking football is all about having stable midfield reinforced by a flat 4 backline. Therefore, 3-5-2 should be seen as disruptive football than playing counteroffensive. Not that whatever modded ver from calcio Italia is any less disruptive though.
Now remember that such strategy can either go 4-4-2, 4-1-4-1, or 4-5-1. [3] The scariest thing about the Ukraine's Dynamic 4 lies in the fact that counterattacking football is always about launching forays from the midfield line. The fact that we end up seeing 4-1-4-1 against Les Bleus only highlights the handsome white blokes from Kiev being masters in this footballing art. Saying counterattacking football doesn't require good ball retention skills is just like saying local S'porean guys are unworthy of Ukrainian girls. Which is bullshit quite obviously. [4] If you still don't understand how Ukrainian football works on international stage, let me give you all one last demo on how it feels to play against The Masters of Ruthless Aggression.
What went wrong for Les Blurs
Firstly, using Samir "atas-bawa" Nasri in a holding role means you're curtailing whatever freedom he craves. In French football, only two types of players win you games: Claude "limpeh's role" Makélélé and Zinedine "baiser Italie" Zidane. [5] Former mould prevents you from conceding, latter case enables you to score. This is arguably Deschamps' greatest fatal mistake.
Why no Cabaye? Yes, I'm still a Sad Smoggie Bastard, but that doesn't mean I need to hate anyone beyond footballing reasons. [6] Seriously, Les Bleus was missing Yohan "Français-Anglo" Cabaye's defensive cover throughout 90 mins. However, Cabaye's greatest strength lies not in defensive support, but the very fact that this is one hell of a player in terms of passing the ball either from the deep or middle park. In short, Cabaye can win the ball, Cabaye can anchor the ball, Cabaye can pass the ball. This is proof of productivity, Deschamps should have put him in place of Nasri's starting position. Period.
Giroud as deep lying forward? Erm... paiseh hor, Le Chevalier d'Londres=/=Wayne "ang-moh kentang" Rooney. Full stop. Unless France really needs Michel "baiser Angleterre" Platini to don no.10 once again.
Les Bleus=Les Morts?
Come 2nd leg, it's make or break. Make no mistake about this, folks. Ukraine will have the upper hand. Not in terms of football, but morale. In the ever-changing world of football, the book of law is not about "you win or you die". The book of law is about "you evolve or you die". Man management might not be a great deal prior to the new millennium, but trust me when I say José "O Especial" Mourinho is one of the finest footballing gems ever seen. [7]
Deschamps should just go for flat 4-4-2. Why? Because gunning forward with plenty of space behind will mean advantage Ukraine once Les Bleus lose the ball. Backs against the wall, Deschamps would do well to remind his team on what Le Morte d'Arthur means. It's high time for Les Bleus to say "Tracer Sur" because they really need to assume the most, if not the only admirable trait from their Vieil Ennemi, Les Lions. 'Tis no rocket science, I can assure every footie fan, be you all local, expat or foreign. ;)
[1]: Unless you're either English or Irish.
[3]: iirc that's how Real Sociedad plays its counterattacking approach. Don't believe me, go ask David "I got hot daughter" Moyes.
[4]: Meritocracy is universal, guys and girls.
[5]: Why Zizou hated Italians.
[6]: My universal rule of thumb, even those like Paolo Di Canio ain't excluded.
P.S to my dearest cousin and her entire family: Hope you're all well in Bordeaux... wait, didn't we play Bordeaux at the Riverside in our only home pre-season friendly?
Disclaimer!
I do not profess any special knowledge on why Mourinho called Boro a big club even though Patrick Kluivert called us exactly the opposite. Proof that me no liar. No one would have blamed Aitor "Amigo de Noreste" Karanka for choosing Palace over us anyway. Definitely not me.
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