Notice
Lately, it seems to us at IRE that this stupid columnist has finally gone 100% broke. In short, he had been in and out of our counselling room with many a counselling letter. This is what our Head of Counselling Faculty has to say:
[Apparently, Kork has suffered what the experts termed as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Whether this is down to certain people or some imaginable people remains to be seen. However, it is to society's best interests to keep him tightly leashed while giving him ample dosage of oral sedative. In particularly, he must be banned from getting anywhere within 200 miles radius from anyone with the surname Wong. Apparently, he has an imaginary beef with an imaginary nemesis by the name of Wong Pengsan.
P.S: It's highly recommended by my personal expertise that we must get a girl for the above mentioned patient. Failure to do so will only give us one final choice: allow him a lifetime in enjoying porn.]
To Miss Bu Huiying, I can only express my most heartfelt thanks. Sadly, I'm already married with a shotgun wielding wife.
~ Sincerely yours, Institute of Rogue EconomistsSigned by High Dean, Highest Prof Simisai
Part 3: Interview with a pundit
It's to my most heartfelt gratitude to know many people asking about my current well being. Don't worry, for my medication has made me stable due to stable therapy. With that being said, let's go onto Part 3 of my column.
Amazingly enough, the relevant authorities had barred me from writing up the final part of this column. Instead, I had to interview a renown expert on Great Burritain's national sport gone global, Association footbrawl.
KMH (Me)- Hello there, Mr...
Expert-Singh, Baik Singh. In case you want to know more about me, I'm currently working as the only alternate consultant in Blackburnt Footbrawl Club, thank you very much. Oh, and Blackburnt's stadium is now renamed Deadwood Park.
KMH-But your name sounds so...
BS (Baik Singh)-Gay? No! Who say I gay? My name also not gay! I mixed parentage, my father has to cut down on basement furnishing in order to marry my mother! Understand?!
KMH-That's not what I mean... okay never mind. So Mr Baik Singh, do lend the readers your personal expertise on Association footbrawl. Like why is it a global sport despite a close market tendency we're seeing?
BS-Oh, that one ah! Very simple... firstly, foreign ownership is frowned upon there, you know why?
KMH-Because the people are scared of erosion in club identity?
BS-Partly. But the greatest reason lies in no foreign club is allowed to join the Burritain Premium League. You see, money distribution is a case of simple economy mathematics. Every team has a first team of 23 players, only 3 are allowed to hold foreign passport. The other twenty blokes are mostly on dual citizenship.
KMH-And what does it have to do with close market industry, dare I ask?
BS-Firstly, with foreign teams, there will be a lot more foreign players! A bloody great amount of pressure coming from foreign influx if I say so myself. In order to safeguard whatever national pride at stake, the Footbrawling Associates decided that foreign ownership must meet the least requirement of 1 billion dollars annual profit. Not average but literal, mind you. Basically, it means only the most lucrative business owners are allowed to own any Burritain footbrawl club, no matter what kind of division and style.
KMH-So let's cut the chase, let us hear your expertise view on the important details.
BS-Remember the famous last words from famous late fighter, Hang Tuang? There are three ways to win-Blood, damned thunder, and statistics. The former two is the core of all things on-field, the final piece in this sporting jigsaw puzzle is how money is being made.
KMH-Do go on...
BS-Firstly, business is done in a two tier system. The Footbrawling Associates are NOT in charge of money distribution due to a lack in systematic cohesion off the field. Therefore, money rights, better known as TV rights, is something under the control of Great Burritain's major sportsman network, Skyrocket. And that's working hand in hand with national cum global bookmaking authority, LadsGoneBroke.com.
KMH-So does that mean final position mean everything?
BS-Not that simple, for only base revenue is decided by Skyrocket. This is what one means by revenue via positioning. LadsGoneBroke.com, however, are there to add further bonus cash based on deed and merit. Add together the simple sum and we'll discover actual ranking is NOT everything, but pretty much covers most of everything.
KMH-I think one of the greatest question is...
BS-The first round of this season? Good! I know punters, fellow pundits, and wannabe pundits alike are interested to know that.
KMH-Erm... it's indeed a global craze, this BPL, but...
BS-Oh, don't be ashamed of your loyalty! One of your footbrawling kakis has told me accidentally over a Tigress beer session that you support Middle-yoyo Footbrawl Club! Good choice, Typical Yoyo will never keep you bored. Enjoyed how they grabbed Blackpoo by their bollocks last weekend...
KMH-How do you... okay never mind... so what's your take?
BS-Firstly, let me start on Mangkok United. When incumbent manager, S. Alex. F, retired halfway through, many pundits predicted doom for this long running Mangkok outfit. People are still singing SAF tributes despite old bugger still alive! But what about current manager, David Amoy?
KMH-That he can't make it?
BS-Yes, and I suspect a lot of it has to do with his wife allowed to own a shotgun despite guns declared as contraband. Apparently, SAF never let his wife has one despite wisdom in age. However, the problem lies in preseason form. I told my fellow pros that M.U will start roasting teams once the season kicks off. My prediction was spot on apparently last weekend. Mangkok United 4, Swaysiao City 1. And that's given them Swaysiao lads were playing at home.
KMH-What about the favourites then?
BS-You mean Cheesy F.C? Oh, the return of Hosei Mourijiao! We all know that self-proclaimed Special Bird, 2-0 to Cheesy is too little a score. I can tell you Hell City Tigers should deserve bigger hell! What the **** Mourijiao was thinking by not fielding Biru Mata? Lad is a perfect all rounder, not just some jack of all trading like Franc Lampaji! Target come, whack! Target open, shoot! Target on target, score! Biru Mata is the star man! Why depend on Jonny Terrible and Nano Tongkeng only? Now still got which team I miss out from the Biggest 6 ah?
KMH-Arsed Goners F.C?
BS-Why mention that team of losers?
KMH-Because they par of Biggest 6 what...
BS-Correct hor... some more Arson Wedgie still around as boss...
KMH-Tongkat Hotspurs? I heard AV Beng signed a new striker named...
BS-Roberto Pajiao? Sorry hor, that stupid bugger caused me to lose money big during 1994 footbrawling crisis. Bloody pajiao aim...
KMH-But Pajiao isn't... okay, let's talk about the other half of Mangkok.
BS-What other half of Mangkok? Only whole red, no bloody blue! I know today is Monday, you want me to kenna Monday blues izzit? Mano Peregrine sure will dive like peregrine falcon one! Which left one last team...
KMH-Liverboo...
BS-Yes, Liverboo. The team that defies every pundit's expectation during the 1st round. Except for me of course! You think Mak Huge so easy to beat ah? Sure he needs money, but Stroke City lagi rich one hor! You think all teams like Middle-yoyo can only depend on boardroom welfare izzit?
KMH-So what's your take on the most famous bust up ever Mario Trollotelli trolled his ex?
BS-I tell you, this Brendan Dodgers lagi pandai one. You think star player Lugi Suarez wants to leave the club meh? Everywhere he goes, he sure will lugi one. Only Antfield will never make him walk alone. That's why we got this dodgy wayang drama, dodgy ending has fellow drama grad, Wayne Guni, standing up in applause.
KMH-Err, I'm sorry, but it's time for me to go home and take my scheduled therapy procedure...
BS-Can, no problem! Next week tips, bet on Mangkok United, Cheesy F.C, and Liverboo all winning by at least two goals or more. Sure will win money one! Cannot win, I give you my address, you can hunt me down with your buddies.
Conclusion
Is it fine for me to file an appeal? I don't want constant therapy, I only want girlfriend... T_T
No comments:
Post a Comment