Kork M. Hancock, Rogue Economist: How one empire's resurgence boosts global economy (Part 1)

Disclaimer!

No need to say anything, you all catch the drift. No compensation will be paid for 100% corruption of humour, thank you very much.

Lowdown on the columnist

Kork.M.Hancock is a leading young star of the Institute of Rogue Economists. Supposedly a promising student from H@rv*rd Uni dual majoring in political studies and economy, he was promptly expelled due to getting caught in the middle of watching porn while jacking himself off. Claims of intentional bullying went to nothing as Kork was... well left with nothing until IRE offered him a spot in the Analysis Faculty.

Lowdown on the institute

Institute of Rogue Economists (abbrev: IRE) is an unlisted think tank unaffiliated with any political party or even any given nation. Due to their inability to conduct terrorism (some say they're pretty much law abiding citizens although such claims were shot down just as fast), anything said in the columns should be taken with a grain of salt. Or so says the current Government regime. Whoever that may be anyway.

Special note:

Of late, it seems that this stupid lobo has gotten distracted by random distractions from one single source. Hence, we at the IRE decided to send this stupid idiot to a weekend holiday trip. Hopefully, he will be more responsible. Hopefully also, he will get his first girlfriend...

~ Institute of Rogue Economists
Signed by High Dean, Highest Prof Simisai

Foreword

GDP, 30%. NNP, 30%. FAP, 30%. Independents, 10%.

Hence I, Maggie Hatchet, announce the birth of Great Burritain's first hung parliament!

For the very first time in its history, Great Burritain ushered forth a brand new era. The year was 194*, this once great empire was reduced to social chaos. On one hand, the rich enjoyed their privileges. On the other end, the poor could only spam their basic rights. Back then, there was only two major political parties: the Grand Domestic Party (abbrev: GDP) and the Nation's National Party (abbrev: NNP). Yet, with the emergence of a new player, the Forward Action Party (abbrev: FAP), every shred of political order went kaput. The greatest winner? The Independents since they became the kingmakers.

So what are Maggie Hatchet's contributions to Great Burritain?

Firstly and foremost, Maggie Hatchet was a controversial figure in local politics. Not much was known about her youth, but one thing was for certain: she was indeed the much feared Iron Hatchet. Yes, she managed to shake up the economy, but at what cost?

Firstly a lowdown on population...

The GDP desired rapid growth, the NNP argued that 90% of foreign population must be expelled first. The FAP, on the other hand, debated among themselves on how to improve every man and woman's sex life due to dwindling population. Indeed as famous Italian sociologist, Eric Spressoh, put so accurately:

"Manpower means money, money is the only way to improve any nation's economy. At the end of the day, it's up to the powers-that-be when it comes to where the money should go. Should they stay inside or be traded outside? Years of bickering ended up with a population explosion, the living money had to find some way to earn money. This was where Maggie Hatchet finally became the fearsome Iron Hatchet."

Four years after the first hung parliament, tensions finally surfaced in the ugliest manner. In a drunken stupor, an unnamed leading figure of an unnamed party exposed himself before a group of prostitutes. In the midst of panic, said politician got stabbed on the bollocks. His life was saved, his balls were not. In a bid to exact rightful vengeance, he declared there were many people living off men, that such women were unworthy of real men. Thus, began the notorious Salami Witch Hunt.

Foreign supply, local demand

Apparently, it's cheaper to cheat behind your wife so long as your wife isn't a sex worker. This was the logic behind the Salami Witch Hunt, 90% of the sex workers died due to trials with ample evidence. The only problem? The sex workers were uneducated, their only education was knowing how to please and submit.

This was when Maggie Hatchet tried helping these poor ladies. Ridiculed because she's a woman, Maggie Hatchet swore revenge within ten years' span. Eerily enough, she returned with a brand new fervour. By proving every man to be perfectly hung and functioning, divorce rate skyrocketed within three months. In a bid to arrest the situation, Maggie Hatchet made for herself an actual hatchet. By declaring an emergency state, the remaining 10% of sex workers were required to help stabilising the population by any means possible.

The Decade Civil War

While her only policy in force reaped major dividends, her political rivals remained in humiliation. Finally, they managed to arouse the northern end of Great Burritain. Interestingly enough, those living in the north didn't have any documentation proving their legal status as Great Burritain's citizens. Rumoured to be the result of administration cock up, these hulking men and women were hell bent in reclaiming their lost territory (although how much was considered lost is still subjected to intellectual debate).

Out of every ten northerners, there would bound to be one local talent waiting to be unearthed. Such was Sean Konek, first world class scientist the North has ever seen. Sadly his peers believed him to be mad, for he believed in scientific fundamentals more than anything else. His only proposed plan was ridiculed, people called him a dreamer. Yet, he ended up having the last laugh upon defecting to his greedy southern brothers...

How a missile won a war

In the greatest visual feat ever, Sean Konek came up with an outrageous missile design. In fact, this was his proposed plan, the only catch back then was that he only came up with the concept. Within three months, the missile was completed. The missile's name?

Torpe-Dong 007

Indeed so majestic was the sight, every northern barbarian fell down to his/her knees. Shocked by this insane turn of events, Maggie Hatchet's enemies whipped themselves up in a frothing frenzy. The modern southerners were overwhelmed, the entire standoff lasted for one full decade.

So how did Torpe-Dong 007 won the war? Apparently, Sean Konek managed to sell his Torpe-Dong 007 concept successfully, the United Nato was utterly impressed. Hence came the ceasefire order, both sides could only obey.

How Great Burritain regained its full glory...

Ironically, Torpe-Dong 007 wasn't used during the Decade Civil War. In the finest show of irony, Great Burritain was only reunified after a missile misfire. Nobody knew why Torpe-Dong 007 suffered a minor malfunction, but what we all know is this: said misfire managed to blow up one third of northern Great Burritain, only a deep crater now exists in its place. Miraculously, territorial separation on literal terms was averted since:

1. Said crater never sundered Great Burritain entirely, hence Great Burritain is still considered whole technically.

2. The northern heathens surrendered willingly due to a new found faith in science. That's the most important part.

But the greatest reason why Great Burritain is still Great Burritain? Very simple:

Because Maggie Hatchet is now dead, her iron hatchet still lives...

To be continued...