Personal assessment on North East football thus far...

Before Christmas comes way too damned early for this bloker here come 15th Dec.

1st Part of my Post:

Foreword: I really feel like an idiot for still believing Niall Quinn was around in the club where in fact Ellis Short is now calling the shots. Credit to the two kindly Mackems for correcting this Smoggie bastard in FB. I forgot who you two are, but you both should know yourselves wherever you are. :)

How I rate Martin O'Neill

I still remember that day where his name first popped up in my brain. That was like N years ago where he was helming Leicester City during it's heydays in the top flight. That was like during the 90s where he later moved onto Celtic with much success. [1] A good bloke with a good footballing acumen if I say so myself. [2] So imagine my utter disbelief when I ended up seeing Sunderland hitting an uncharacteristic slump in form thus far. The Mackems call it a crisis and rightfully so. This is a North Eastern outfit that should have delivered so much more based on whatever promise shown last season. [3]

How I rate Martin O'Neill further in depth...

Firstly and foremost, he's a manager that need funds to operate. Give him the correct budget and he will do wonders for you. In fact I suspect this to be the reason why cynics tend to say that he will never have any proper financial sense unless his wife starts taking full charge of the bank account. [4]

But should I be too harsh on him? Granted players like Stewart Downing and Darren Bent truly cost quite a bit of millions in quids, but their stint at Aston Villa under his leadership wasn't that shabby to put it within the lowest bracket of standards. In fact while the haters will always remember Downing for his horrendous showing thus far in a non-North Eastern red shirt, I'll have to play the apologist by saying that he's a massive hit at Villa Park last time round. In fact him together with Ashley Young speeding from both wings was the main reason why Villa had been scoring for fun despite constant criticism over O'Neill's footballing philosophy.

The only problem? There's that little thing called money and you can never trust anyone with that issue unless he/she is your family member/spouse. [5]

So why did things go horribly wrong?

Firstly and foremost, Sunderland's fortunes had never been that of a total doom and gloom. Simply put, prior to that infamous defeat to my most beloved Sad Bastards in red at their Stadium of Light, Sunderland's fortunes were pretty much stable as in the only beef those Anglo Saxon Rojiblancos had with themselves is scoring. And this is where the shit started it's shit story.

I JUST CAN'T SCORE!!!!

Sexual innuendos ignored, this is the problem doomed to spill over far sooner than later. O'Neill has stated this very problem before, but only after that fateful Battle of Tragedy's Light did he start realizing the extent of the problem he's facing most likely. For reasons unknown to this Boro bloker here, O'Neill opted for an offensive approach instead of his customary flat 4-5-1 thus far until then. If he's trying to throw a 50-50 call to galvanize his lads like how a professional medic will try reviving an emergency case at the CCU [6], then he must have been wishing to spend just 5000 SGD in the IR casinos because he might just end up getting 100 million SGD richer. [7]

Of course Mogga did back his opposite number post-match [8] just like you won't end up seeing a random CT/MRI/GIC radiologist talking down a peevish patient due to some funny problems in the communication. [9] But the problem only has gotten worse thus far. O'Neill made promises that the goals will come really soon, it seems that we the saddest bastards in red are still the ones scoring all over the place. [10]

Problem score impotence?

To me, the biggest issue lies in an over reliance on defence. Granted there's nothing wrong with such a philosophy, but unlike what we might be used to seeing in Leicester, Celtic and Villa, the problem with Sunderland here is that there's nothing much of a decent good coming from the forward line. Simply put, it's down to an effective strike partnership with an effective out-and-out wingplay all the while.

CV of a MONster

1. Leicester had Emile Heskey and Tony Cottee to thank despite constant jibes made towards Heskey's impotence. [11]

2. Celtic has always been a respectable club within the Scottish Premier League for a very good reason and I'm not talking about Neil Lennon or Gordon Strachan. [12]

3. Aston Villa? You'd have be a retard in believing that Stewart Downing is pure shit just because Ashley Young is now donning that red jersey no.3. >.<

So should we call it a case of 4-5-1?

On paper, it seems to be so. But yet it might not be that simple after all. There's a very good reason why Adam Johnson was signed this season. He's supposed to bring in that extra dimension of flair in order free up more players up front. Simply put in terms of Minghui-matics:

1 Jonno=4 Anglo-Saxon Rojiblancos

0 Jonno=1 Anglo-Saxon Rojiblancos

Conclusion: Which positive ratio of numbers will you chose, kiddo? 0:1 or 1:4?

Then what about Steven Fletcher?

There's a difference between a player of Latin culture and one who is quite obviously an Anglo-Saxon. It's called genetics in football and only a daft moron will try calling a mule to be a steed. No offence intended to Fletcher himself since he's a decent enough player, but seriously even if my politically incorrect comparison will be considered as trolling, there's no denial over the fact that Fletcher is NO Lionel Messi himself. [13]

To me, he will always be a vital tactical cog in that eleven man Anglo-Saxon Rojiblancos machine. But nothing more. You see, MON's transfer policy is very simple: He doesn't want star players. He wants team players. Niall Quinn himself is no Slavic moneybags, Ellis Short doesn't wear a turban in public. Last time I checked, the two are not even Jewish!

So should you all Mackems be butt sore over the fact that Fletcher is somewhat spluttering in front of goal at the moment now? MON has to make a decision quick and fast. Should he revert back to that flat 4-5-1 formation play for good, hence ensuring minimal losses at the risk of minimal points? Or maybe he should consider starting with Adam Johnson at the wing with Stephane Sessegnon just behind Fletcher asap?

But is there enough time for MON?

Christmas is fast approaching and I'm not talking about 15th of this month. [14] For all we know, O'Neill's D-Day will be far closer than we'd like to imagine otherwise. To the Mackems, this might even be far more harrowing than a reenactment of the Battle of Normandy due results and pride far more at stake than the other two Sad Bastards. [15] Hence, should Ellis swing the axe, who should be the best man to replace MON?

I was really impressed by an answer given to this damning question. Credit goes to a certain SAFC admin of the Banter Page All North East Footy Fans 2 FB page. Dave, you've earned it despite being a certified SMB.

So who's Dave's suggestion for the replacement?

It has nothing to do with anything SMRT. Just that we know what them all Italians are truly capable of...

Now this is an extremely interesting suggestion coming from a Mackem. [16] Firstly and foremost, RDM's style of football is actually far closer towards MON's very own philosophy than what a neutral might otherwise believe in. Many will remember him for that ill fated season called this current one.

The season before he became the manager in blue, RDM was actually wearing the most hated colour pattern of the Anglo-Saxon Rojiblancos. The only catch? That pattern is all about dark blue and white rather than looking weirdly like zebra hide.

Now what was RDM like as the gaffer of WBA? I've had the good fortune in taking a good glimpse or two last time round when Gordon Strachan was in charge of Boro. A manager who believes in compact football. Someone not too different from the likes of Sam Allardyce, Tony Pulis and of course Martin O'Neill himself. The only marked difference? He's far more of a fervent believer in all things retaining possession in order to make every single ball count. He doesn't play long ball tactics apart from that only season where Chelsea won the Champions League. [17] In fact, I would identify his style with that most successful bloke in blue now turned Los Blancos. [18]

Transfer Status: A&E

What the chequebook really needs now is a midfielder. Either someone who can make a difference through sheer movement and control or someone truly able of deciding a duel with one single pass. This comes to mind the most significant difference between Sunderland and the defensive duo of West Ham United and Stoke City.

Let's talk about the Anglo-Saxons under Tony Pulis' leadership first. This is still a gritty team far more English than most of the other teams in the English top flight. In a very real sense, we're talking about the very same Anglo-Saxons rebelling against their Norman lords ever since William the Conqueror conquered the entire England. The only difference? That one scotch drinker named Charlie Adam. You see, he's truly a bloody talented Scotch. Now I'm no racist, I'm an appreciator of the Scottish code of honour. [19] Okay, I'm digressing quite a bit here. My point here is this: Adam is the kind of player who can make a difference BOTH from set pieces and passing the ball, be it from the deep or going forward. In fact Tony Pulis wasn't an idiot for signing him because his exceptional set piece mastery and technical vision truly complements the Anglo-Saxons battling away in the Britannia.

Does Sunderland have this kind of player? Lee Cattermole is the closest example, but not truly that near despite him being the fulcrum of Sunderland's fortune. Cattermole is way more combative and athletic, yet lacking the kind of close control, passing prowess and a dead ball deadliness to boot. As of now, Sunderland is in a real danger because Cattermole is out injured. [20] Imagine how much the Black Cats can indeed accomplish upon having a player of Charlie Adam's calibre.

Next, let's talk about West Ham. Firstly, allow me to put in a good word for the Hammer fans in general back during that totally deserving 3-1 bitch slap in courtesy of a North London club run by a Jew. You see, I truly believe that such a minority of miserable ingrates should be just seen as a miserable minority. And why I call these spades a bunch of spades is down to their two benefactors reviving the fortunes of their beloved "anti-Jewish" club.

We all know who is party 1, so let's go onto party no.2.

The second party is truly one very special Jew. Yes, I kid you all not. Some Malaysians hate Yossi Benayoun with a fervour, Yossi Benayoun is an Israeli. Northbound jokes aside, Benayoun is the chief reason why West Ham can truly fly so high thus far. Given how Big Sam plays his football, Benayoun isn't the number one bloke you'll expect marching into Upton Park and it's quite obviously not down to anti-Jewish monkeys lurking around sporadically.

So what is Benayoun's strength? As an attacking midfielder operating as that inside forward more often than not, he's basically what the late George "best of the best in Belfast and beyond" Best himself was surely capable of during the glorious era of Sir Matt Busby. Yes, I know this is an exaggeration, but this very technique of expression exists for a reason, okay? But seriously speaking, being that chief spark of creativity in an otherwise shitty albeit efficient brand of football is truly a match made in heaven. Everything going forward goes through Benayoun apart from the most obvious English cannonballs and he's the reason why Big Sam's West Ham are actually scoring far more on average at home. [21]

The difference we're seeing between Upton Park and the Stadium of Light? You can't really compare Adam Johnson with Benayoun and ditto when it comes to Sessegnon as well. It has nothing to do with race, I can assure everyone here. [22]

[1]: I kid you not when I say O'Neill is indeed a folk hero in one half of the Old Firm and a curse from The Morrigan herself to the other.

[2]: Of course you won't see me admitting it much often all the while because whatever japes made at his expense were restricted in the Banter Page All North East Footy Fans 2 FB page. Simply put, you can't trust whatever sense being said there unless it's for serious matters like manager opinions and transfers.
[3]: Of course people were also saying the same thing until that very damning moment where Steve Bruce was finally outed from his Geordie closet.
[4]: Am I making shit up here? Well, who says Singaporeans have no sense of humour?
[5]: And apparently, Randy Lerner isn't O'Neill's dad.
[6]: This is a terminology I learnt out of necessity due to work. If you work in the hospital, you'll know the meaning.
[7]: People say that our IR casinos is a dual edged sword. Even Minister Chan Chun Sing agree with this.
[8]: Actually, Mogga's a really nice guy who doesn't play the kind of verbal sniping that a certain Sir A.Fergie is so (in)famous for.
[9]: Actually, it always happens in life whenever you have to deal with people. I prefer to call it "occupational hazards" due to a need for respect shown.
[10]: Scoring as in scoring the goals, NOT that other "scoring". This is about football, not pr0n.
[11]: Please see statement above.
[12]: North East derbies are between hooligans, Merseyside derbies are all about breaking legs while El Clasico is all about violence versus sissies. All things Old Firm on the other hand, are merely that one staple culture called constant clan warfare.
[13]: Just like you can't call an Argentinian a British and vice versa due to that one nasty episode called the Falklands War.
[14]: Funnily enough, I have this feeling that life might never be the same again for me because of that particular event to come.
[15]: The rule of thumb in English football is the 3Bs of England. The SMBs, i.e. Sad Mackem Bastards, the SGBs, i.e. Sad Geordie Bastards, and lastly the SSBs, i.e. Sad Smoggie Bastards. Due to a conflict in acronyms (i.e. SMB), the term Sad Mag Bastards is officially outlawed in the North East internet.
[16]: Alternatively interpreted as an intelligent SMB.
[17]: Although I'm not too sure on how many footie blokes actually knew about RDM being forced to pull off a Silla due to a dressing room segregated into Goguryeo and Baekje respectively. Yes, I'm talking about Korean history, I'm trying too hard to sound clever. -.-;
[18]: I won't call him a white guy, but yeah... he's a Portuguese alright.
[19]: Not to mention that I do somewhat prefer the concept of terrain warfare to any romantic ideals surrounding knightly duels.
[20]: Better to stay trouble free than to be injury free.
[21]: With a shocking amount of goals leaked as well. Plus West Ham really reminds me of Cardiff this season.
[22]: Have you ever seen a Chinese Jew? Definitely not me anyway. >.<

A/N: Rojiblancos is the Spanish term for "red and whites".

P.S: To create a certain parallel to the 3Bs of England...

The SMB

The SGB

The SSB