Kork M.Hancock, Rogue Economist: One shot column on English football and its impact on global economy

Disclaimer!

A certain columnist believed that people tend to say mean things on the internet. And I know it's universal anyway.

Lowdown on the columnist

Kork.M.Hancock is a leading young star of the Rogue Economy Institute. Supposedly a promising student from H@rv*rd Uni dual majoring in political studies and economy, he was promptly expelled due to getting caught in the middle of watching porn while jacking himself off. Claims of intentional bullying went to nothing as Kork was... well left with nothing until REI offered him a spot in the Analysis Faculty.

Lowdown on the institute

Rogue Economy Institute is an unlisted think tank unaffiliated with any political party or even any given nation. Due to their inability to conduct terrorism (some say they're pretty much law abiding citizens although such claims were shot down just as fast), anything said in the columns should be taken with a grain of salt. Or so says the current Government regime. Whoever that may be anyway.

Ascertained Fact

Chelsea signed Rafa Benitez as the interim manager until end of season.

Insider sources unconfirmed

Roman owner promised a carrot of 300 million pounds for every domestic cup won by end of season. A league title won by end of season will fetch everyone in the first team squad an English villa custom made for each in Moscow itself. A Champion’s League title? Well, rumour has it that John Terry will be made new manager of Chelsea FC due to his exceptional performances on and off the pitch.

Impact on global economy

Crazy money has been flowing into global bookmaking site LadsGoneBroke.com. Odds of John Terry being the new permanent manager close season had gone down to an insane 1/20 paying rate with Pep Guardiola lagging behind on a 20/1. Owner of the site, Uncle Willy Large (suspected by the Interpools to be a white despite ambiguous claims that he’s a Tamil) has this to say:

Well, money sustains the world, no? I now living in a little island country with first world, infrastructure, first world anti-corruption system. Even recent president elections across the Atlantic, I also make lagi dua killing one hor! Without the lui, how can global economy survive? What? I got kenna lim kopi before or not? Eh, ah-dey. Get real lah! Anti-corrupt mata can do what to me? Actually hor, never kenna before. Eh wait a sec hor, you all on the phone, I think got someone calling himself Officer Lim Koh Pi knocking on my super upgraded villa now…

Ascertained Fact

Brendan Rodgers might not last that long after all at Liverpool.

Insider sources unconfirmed

Pep Guardiola agreed to an eight year deal due to his demands of shaping up the Anfield youth system rather than just a fat pay pocket.

Impact on global economy

Extreme success, but only in the 7^th year of his contract. A lot of people had called for his head when he’s not even half through his first season. John W.Henry had to endure quite a lot of abuse because Liverpool were arguably screwed by another Spanish-U.S deadly combo before dear John stepped in. Thankfully, John W.Henry decided to utilize his reserve funds earned via his successful venture into the American baseball in which players looked weirdly like Sam Allardyce in dozens. To the English that is.

Of course all is not smooth sailing since the Brits enjoy laughing at the Yanks. Old Trafford was having a devilish laugh just like Chelsea can still only sing their own blues with the Gunners still playing like ten moving pretty goons plus one more in static. And rumours of a Mayan revival were indeed rife back during Tottenham’s only season of the Champion’s League quarter finals where they were soundly beaten by a now resurgent AS Roma with Francesco Totti still leading the team from the dugout at the ripe old age of 45.

In the end, the Anfield fairytale was indeed complete with a happy ending. They raked in big bucks, Merseyside’s economy was boosted as a result despite the Everton half benefitting as well and Pep is now dubbed as “El Shankly himself”.

The most significant impact on global economy? Merseyside’s booming tourism has actually boosted the global tourism industry with the latest spike in seasonal ticket pricing being fixed at a 200% increment.

Ascertained Fact

Martin O’Neill is still the gaffer of Sunderland A.F.C despite managing teams which will never score more than two goals on average per game. Be it win, lose or draw.

Insider sources unconfirmed

Niall Quinn was supposed to wield the axe at one point of time due to public pressure from the Mackems faithful. Yet upon rumours surfacing on the Goallolol forums on Roberto Martinez preparing to make the jump from the DW Stadium, Niall Quinn couldn’t really swing down the axe because the fans have gotten even far more hysterical by then. Calling Martinez “that stupid Spanish Smoggie” for reasons unknown even to themselves apart from their insistence that Martinez looked weirdly like Tony Mowbray himself, the Mackems would rather that O’Neill to stay put.

Of course Sunderland managed to achieve a respectable consistency throughout every season, so it’s a good thing.

The impact on global economy? Niall Quinn managed to acquire the Sund Daily owned by current (ex)media mogul Rupee Boondock. As a result, a certain event decades ago managed to create a lucrative venture between the Wearside itself and the entire Merseyside. Money started flowing in and Sunderland actually became a somewhat famous tourism spot. In fact, a good number of Singaporean tourists have made their presence known to the locals even unto the extent that the Mackems actually know Singlish and the Singaporeans actually understand the Mackem accent. Of course special credit has to go to Mr Goodison Xu Wen Cheng and Mr Anfield Chin Kwek Siong for making such an improbable ambition truly probable.

The impact on football? Singaporeans still don’t understand why Sunderland can never reach Europe thus far where in fact the Irish lads from Shamrock Rovers could qualify for the Europa League’s group stage last season.

Ascertained Fact

News have running wild in the tabloids that Stewart Downing is desperate (?) for a return back to his hometown club.

Insider sources unconfirmed

Apparently, someone either from Tyneside or the Wearside region managed to tap into current Boro manager Tony Mowbray’s office phone. Although the person arrested turned out instead to be an American supporting American football, whatever evidence gathered were actually partially leaked somehow.

???: Hey, Mogga, it’s me!

Mowbray: Who?

???: Yeah, it’s me, you dumb Smog!

Mowbray: Do I know you?

???: Okay, never mind that. How much are you willing to pay for Stewart Downing?

Mowbray: Do I look like a bloody mong to you? I’m not gonna screw my football philosophy over a player who can’t really fit in!

???: But he’s your ex-player!

Mowbray: So? I’d rather re-sign Adam Johnson. In fact, we should have retained him if not for my predecessor screwing up the entire wage bill. Steve Gibson was indeed right to convince me in believing in myself despite that thrice damned mutiny up north from those blasted Glasgow Scots. Not to mention the fact that no one in the English tabloids actually highlighted the fact that West Bromwich Albion getting relegated under my charge was down to my own stubborn insistence in playing attacking football. And that was even far earlier back.

???: But you know the ultimate rule in the Full Metal Alchemist anime?

Mowbray: Yeah, the Rule of Equivalent Trade. And I only read the manga. Full 27 volumes in all.

???: Great then! If I call you Ed, can I be your Al?

Mowbray: I know Edward Elric, but are you referring to Big Gay Al?

???: NO! I do NOT watch Comedy Central, I do NOT watch South Park because everything’s so crass and corrupting!

Mowbray: Okay, let’s call you Alphonse Elric then and Steve Gibson himself as Roy Mustang. And while we’re at it, let’s call in Maes Hughes whom we all know better as Gareth Southgate. Deal? Mr Ginger Scot???

???: Shit, got busted.

Mowbray: I know Neil Lennon’s snooping about asking the price and I know he asked a certain Gordon Strachan to help him out. I’m no mong, Strachan. Go tell Neil Lennon that he’s no Theon Greyjoy, Teesside will be his Winterfell and I will be that Ned Stark waiting for him with my Ice in hand. And yes, Jon Snow is still around somewhere playing table tennis butt naked.

Impact on global economy

Stewart Downing soon became a naturalized Scot despite history dictating that William Wallace only lived once. Somehow or another, Celtic managed to strengthen their grip on the Scottish Premier League only to have their wish of joining the English Premier League being granted even before the first ball was kicked. Scotland’s economy flourished as the result, stadium ticket prices encountered an irreversible inflation trend and Celtic’s first match of the season away actually (or perhaps not so surprisingly) resulted in a 5-0 hammering by Middlesbrough at the Riverside. Not so surprisingly, a sustained run of local economy boom as a long run result has Steve Gibson contemplating on whether to run for the next Mayor of Middlesbrough as a Liberal Democrat candidate.

Effect on global economy? Well, Middlesbrough F.C has somehow become a global brand due to its rags to riches fairytale made real. With help from J.R.R Martin’s endorsement no less due to the global phenomena entitled A Song by Flamers.

Ascertained Fact

Newcastle boss Alan Pardew knew he’s running against time to save the team’s future. Plus himself. Within eight weeks’ time no less.

Insider sources unconfirmed

Apparently, Mike Ashley’s promise to Pardew is this: Win the away match against Southampton and he will get a nice amount of transfer kitty. 50 million to be exact. Failure to get 3 points will ensure a reduced kitty. 0.5 million to be exact. No points will only point to no kitty.

Impact on global economy

Newcastle is still experiencing some problems on the transfer market, Derek Llambias forgot to switch off his microphone again and his resultant rant caused Pardew to rage quit the footballing world for good. Some wise bloke who supported Middlesbrough F.C and only earning slightly more than 1K SGD per month actually came up with a weird parody plushy design of Hello Kitty wearing a striped jersey looking more weirdly like a jailbird jersey. He instantly became famous, resigned from his previous job to become a full time creative designer and he even managed to propose to his university grad girlfriend who somehow   managed to spot something worthy in him even before that crazy moment of creativity.   Singapore now has managed to become an international hub of creative arts with new local talents becoming the mainstay of a first world economy. And yes, that girlfriend of his is also  the biggest fan of his now famously dubbed “Hello Maggi Kitty”.

*Due to an unexpected bout of disturbance from a problematic internet cable, Kork M.Hancock somehow managed to get a bit loopy. Fearful for his social future in particularly on how random young girls would perceive the entire Rogue Economy Institute itself, recently promoted faculty head, Benedict “Dict” Siew Hoon Kee from the Faculty of  Feminine Studies (informally known as FFS) managed to recruit, erm we mean bring in a brand new member currently under the Faculty of Model Female Studies (informally known as FMFS) headed by Prof Iron Roti Peck-Wu Ma De (alternatively known as Mrs WMD) so that stupid bastard wouldn’t spiral out of control. As of now, we’re glad to announce that tentative success has been achieved so far, hence the presence of this minor column.

Ms Allen Ellen, everybody will still be counting on you and your baseball bat. And yeah, your name also really rhymes very cute man. Confirm got nothing to do with any jokes on the A&E department nearby. I, erm I mean we all swear upon our lives. Erm sorry, we mean our honour, not our lives.

~Rogue Economy Institute

Signed by High Dean, Highest Prof Simisai