How to play hum-chi* football (*Hokkien swear word, please don't learn. In case of doubt, please confirm with your parents)

Simply put, two Sunday matches come to mind: Newcastle vs West Ham and Chelsea vs Liverpool.

Hum-chi 1: Geordies vs the Hammers

Major cause for concern: Tiote and Coloccini are suspended while Cabaye and Ba have to pass late fitness test. It seems that St James faithful might be in for a torrid time temporarily.

How to play hum-chi: Thankfully, Steven "I hate them Smackems" Taylor is still around fit and playing. If Tiote can't do the job due to suspension MIA, then someone will have to take over the shit job. Simply put, I truly doubt Tiote is shit, only that his job as the destroyer is still an unglamorous job. Just ask Gennaro Gattuso himself for further clarifications. But still, should Stevie T take up Tiote's mantle. Coloccini is suspended=suck thumb. But what if firstly and foremost, the Toon lads opt to play defensive? Yes, the fans will howl for their blood if anything goes wrong, but surely everything possibly wrong has already gone truly wrong, no? That's providing Ba and Cabaye fail their IPPT clearance.

Simply put, if Ben Arfa can be used, then use him as the attacking fulcrum. Shift him into the centre and give him a free role. I truly doubt he's on the same planet with Juninho, but then again no one in the North East footballing world can be talked into the same breath as that little fella, I can tell you all that. But enough about a true blue genius' tears. Let's talk about how to play defensive. Sitting back and hitting the Hammers on the break seems foolish, but this is a match that Big Sam might be thinking "Hmmm, yeah... I'll take down that lard".

In fact, why not troll Big Sam? BS football is considered as bs football for a very good reason. If the Hammers can't rob the ball, they're shit. If they have the ball, they will pull off a Viking invasion. Organize the lads well and tell the back 4 to surge upwards into the defensive half of the middle park. If one Tiote is needed to secure some much needed stability (and the stats don't really lie that much to be fair), then Pardew better tell Mr Anti-Mackem to organise the other 3 blokes. Simply put, 4 Tiotes is better than 1.

Hum-chi 2: Stamford Blues vs the Red Half of Merseyside

Major cause for concern: I saw Paul Parker's article on how Chelsea will curbstomp Liverpool in today's TNP football article. Okay, that's an exaggeration, but you all get the drift. The scariest fact? I can see where that one is coming from and it's not down to him being an United legend in his own right. I truly believe Ray Houghton will be singing the same tune as well and it's not really funny, lads.

How to play hum-chi: There are two kinds of footballers in this world. Not so much on offensive or defensive, but rather intelligent players and the not so intelligent ones. Remember a certain Chris Waddle's words, my friends. Is it the most damning stuff for quite some time? Yes, I believe so. Do I enjoy imagining the online vitriol? Well, Walcott has to up his game for a very good reason. Don't thank anybody else, Theo. Thank Chris Waddle.

Now onto how the Reds can go hum-chi. The key in Chelsea's success isn't down to El Nino Torres. Yes, he's starting to shed off his insecurity on the pitch, but that's due to the three blue blokes behind him. El Nino is only a human phenomena. One guy can't define the other ten. Not even Steven Gerrard to be brutally frank.

Juan Mata, Oscar and Eden Hazard. These 3 amigos is the reason why Chelsea can gain such an ominous steam so early into the season. If Mata is far more of a finisher, then Oscar and Hazard are undoubtedly the dual ammo dudes. To me, Mata is the man that matters most because while there's nothing much separating his quality from the other two, it will be his penchant for scoring important goals, which has helped Torres the most in regaining his confidence. Remember my friends, a striker/forward will be judged by the number of goals scored. Other stats be damned, media or no media.

Ramires is another bloke of worthy note. I call him the British Brazilian due to his box to box play. Something you don't get to see that often in Brazilian football. Dunga is the most renowned household name and I think with proper grooming further down the years, Ramires will be another Dunga. His lung bursting runs are meant as an auxiliary weapon up front, but that will also mean that he can track back and defend like a Brazilian tiger. No joking if you think ****ing around with a South American is amusing. Moyes tried that with Suarez, Phil Neville ended up being the focal villain.

Now enough on Chelsea's strength. Let's get to the point here. 4-4-2, Rodgers. if you think 4-3-3 is the way to go, then prepare to tell your forward 3 to be 3 Rooneys. Will Luis Suarez like that? Well, he's not a British, so...

Now 4-4-2 means counter attacking from the flanks with both fullbacks overlapping. This is the most basic core of the logic. But Rodgers will be a fool to think 4-4-2 is mainly just that. Firstly, attacks from the flanks can be seen as an actual threat or mere decoys. Anyone running from the centre is equally dangerous. At the end of the day, who should be the decoys and who should be actual danger? It's not my prerogative to decide the team and players. I'm just a poor local Singaporean blogging for zero remuneration. Being a Northern Irish bloke is out of the question, trying to snag a hot Northern Irish girlfriend is Mission Impossible because I'm no Ethan Hunt, let alone Sir Sean "James Bond" Connery himself.

Question next: Who should be the centre 2 of the midfield? Jonjo Shelvey and Steven Gerrard. To utilize a zonal defence in the middle third, Liverpool need those two. Gerrard might be an aging force, but he's your only best bet to partner Shelvey in the task because one barbarian berserker isn't enough to stop three spell swords (Yes, the nerd in me has finally secured conquest again). Rodgers needs a Stormwarden and Stevie G being the only war veteran he can count on is the only bloke available.

So with the zonal defence made somewhat (in)famous by Rafa Benitez, is it high time for Brendan Rodgers to swallow his pride just for one single match? Sitting back and doing break-and-counter assaults seems to be the wise way to go. Granted it might not even guarantee a point, but will it frustrate the Stamford faithfuls? Mogga has always believed in the 2 goal mantra, but against such situation, I'd rather take a one goal smash and grab here. One match doesn't make or break a season, but one match can go a long way in boosting confidence and morale.

One thing of note here though: Even as now we're talking cock on zonal warfare, it's important to note that be it Shelvey, Stevie G or maybe just about anyone helping out, judging the ball is far more important than seeing where the opposing player(s) will be running. Simply put, don't read the players, read the game. Which is why I've highlighted at the beginning that there are two types of footballers in the world. We're lucky enough that Jonathan Woodgate is still a local Boro-ther in arms. As for Liverpool, sorry, it's not really my problem because I'm a neutral between the two colours.

A very motivational(?) message:

Luis Suarez, are you man enough to pummel Fernando Torres?