I sorta reneged on my promise...

Proof: that A/N

 http://www.fictionpress.com/s/3012028/10/A-Ranger-s-Tale

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/3012028/11/A-Ranger-s-Tale

After thinking twice, I decided that there should be a far better and direct way to hammer home what I want to say. At the very least, I won't speaking around in riddles so as to speak.

What is my problem exactly?

I still remember where it totally went wrong. The age was twelve and that's when I actually came across a tabloid headline article pertaining to a case of rape-cum-murder in Taiwan. Now let me assure everyone here that I'm still morally sane. Back then, I know without a doubt that such an act was a crime, that if the murderer got caught in Singapore, he would and should have been hanged for good. The only problem was that back then, I did NOT know how to deal with whatever complications arising apart from the knowledge between right and wrong. Why I'm saying this is because my puberty actually just started by then. Or at least I've discovered it around that time and it's only a few years later that I realised what was going on behind all those couple of years prior. Nothing was said by me to my parents, I truly doubted they sensed anything amiss. Because no one actually informed me about the dangers when the time matters. My parents are only human beings with humane fallacies, so I can never blame them. Simply put, they're not the only ones subjected under the conservative parenthood culture.

My first brush with trouble

I can't be sure whether it's before or after that incident, but believe me when I say there's a girl in my Pri 6 class and whatever crush I've had on her was purely that of childish infatuation. The only catch? I had been effectively ostracised by then bar a selected few and even then, interaction only remained as that of normal friends. The girl was actually part of the former group, weird huh? Back then, all the rest only knew how to egg me on or ridicule me. Finally with no decent advice, I ended up doing a stalking act. I know it sounds scary with this coming from a mere twelve year old kid, but again believe me when I say everybody tend to do stupid things when they're just children without supervision. A few days later, I got busted and got questioned by her mother. And the case actually died down immediately since I ceased my brainless pursuit. Simply stated, I never undergone any counseling.

Jock culture in the secondary school

I'll just go straight to the point: During my first year at Gan Eng Seng School, I've experienced multiple crushes on girls mostly one year my senior, i.e. Sec 2 grade. Although it's worthy of note as well that there are a few within my age bracket. Needless to say, there's no happy ending since I'd either get subtly ridiculed, ignored outright or brutally told off. By the time I've reached my final year, not only was I one certified slacker, but above all my disastrous one sided infatuations never really ceased with one still blissfully ignorant and the other giving me a somewhat rough gesture warning me to back off.

So what's the real deal here? Very simple and it's not about my failure stories. You see, there's a jock culture back then where the fastest and most efficient way to gain attention is to attain good grades. No one would care for a nobody without accomplishments within the peaking third of the grading pyramid. The faster half of the equation? Have a girlfriend. The more efficient half? Have a physically attractive girlfriend. Having nothing would mean you're nothing.

And if my ordeal during primary school days was bad, secondary school days was my purgatory. The only reason why it didn't turn into hell was down to having my own buddies mostly in the NPCC uniformed group. But yet, everything was still square one. Nobody understood how to deal with boy-girl relationships and the teachers didn't teach that much anyway. I didn't have any female confidants, and everybody else in general just sat back to appreciate the sight of that schoolyard pariah in ways more than one. Above all, I didn't approach the teachers for help not because I dare not to, but no one actually informed me that I could truly do so.

Simply put, it just compounded to my problems that would one day explode within the lawful boundaries.

ITE and NSF

Is there anything I should add here? Still the same old story, I don't think I need to elaborate more. Although the physical abuse truly died down, but definitely a reduced extent of verbal isolation still remained. And yeah, I ended up being slacker numero uno and no one should be blamed apart from myself. In fact, parental visit to the school had became a constant fixture by then starting from my Sec 1 days and I'll be a liar in saying that I truly enjoyed going to school because whatever academical studies involved either had me jaded or perhaps the interest was never there beyond my somewhat exceptional report book contents during my earlier years at primary school.

NSF was an era that didn't really define my life that much despite the much hyped "rites of passage" talk. Only notable difference is that I ended up getting ribbed rather than verbally mocked. Violence was a no-go and on a hindsight, I thank the Lord for getting a PES E status due to my mild psychiatric history starting from my latter secondary school years. Simply put, it had nothing to do with skiving, but if I was to be classified as combat fit, I truly doubt I could remain totally sane. Not literally, but you'll definitely end up seeing a far more bitter Kuok Ming Hui.

On a particular note, the spectre of a pointless desire in knowing better any member of the opposite sex especially the attractive ones still ended up making its stigma known. I've got a unit mate having a tendency to chat up girls online while my second AS1 actually had a reputation of being a lady's man. I still remember that aforementioned AS1 stating that I should just change my ways, that I wouldn't be able to make any progress if I still remained my somewhat current self. In a simple logic, he's saying that no decent girl would like a certified fan of anime/manga culture, i.e. a nerd.

The half time score

By then, I was semi-broken in that right from the start, I had never been able to make a clean break with all that unresolved "romance". I know everything thus far is just a crush, but yet knowledge on paper alone was no longer useful. It's just like getting caught for murder and being told afterwards that you'll be sentenced to the gallows. Sort of anyway.

So what's left for a random bloke who had never gained any constructive lessons from all things boy-girl relationship, let alone having a decent one? Darkness and personal struggles. I ended up being forced to fight against my inner lusts 24/7 without any decent results. It's been stated clearly in the Book of Matthew that:

[But I am indeed saying to you that every one who looks at a woman to want her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.] ~ Matthew 5:28

That was a year or two before I found my current church. When my maternal uncle and his family introduced me into that said church, I NEVER ever utter a single word to anyone pertaining to my far more insidious end. A barrier erected forth by instinctive merit? If even my pastor didn't know a whisper, then you all people should know how dire the fight had shaped out by then. Before reaching that point in make or break listed below, I didn't even know what I am living for, let alone having a firm grip on my very own faith and convictions.

So now what about your workplace then?

Anything until this point of time should be seen as secondary at best now because the focal point is this:

[Now if your right eye causes you to stumble into sin, pluck it out and throw it away from you; for it is better for you that one of your members should perish than your whole body should be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble into sin, cut it off and throw it away from you; for it is better for you that one of your members should perish than your whole body should go into hell.] ~ Matthew 5:29-30

This is NOT me preaching the Gospel because I do not have any right to do so more than any fellow Christians given the transitional phase currently in my life. In fact, this post can be seen as my own last chance saloon. I've wasted way too much of my life struggling with something that I shouldn't be doing so and by hook or by crook, making a clean break is the only way out.

So is there any message you want to say?

Firstly, I need to say that I'm not going to cry and weep over my follies. Because words are just that: mere words. I've screwed up horrendously, there's no chance in hell I'm going to use "sorry, I'm really naive and stupid" to bail out for free. Admitting to your mistakes is NOT about apologising but just this: admit to it and do something about it.

In a very real sense, my parents have always been fallible human beings, but so are all of us. I have boasted on an occasion or two that my parents have never given me anything APART from drilling in that one concept called self-accountability. I may not have a degree, I don't even have a diploma. Even unto now, I still can't say for sure that I have learnt how to enjoy the kind of academical studies in the past. But if there's anything to go by, I need to make this fact clear:

"Degree without meaning is just a wasted piece of paper, wealth without principles will be devoured either by wastrels or rust."

And the reason behind all?

Things have hit varying levels of upheaval ever since the third Thursday of April 2012. Simply put, unlikely reactions coming from my colleagues, superiors, family and limited circle of friends all over are still going on like a currently looped drama.

I'm not blind towards the truth that there's a difference between lurker views and registered views. In fact the only registered user of note actually had unwittingly contributed to that very understanding of mine. Tobias Fong C.W, you're the unknowing man. Seeing all the lurker views flowing all over the world, both for this blog and my FictionPress stories/account had truly forced my hand.

Simply put, I could have buried every single damned thing underground if not for the insane prominence of this blog and my online stories/poetry. Should this be seen as a blessing or a curse? I firmly believe it's the former because settling my personal debts for good is the only way forward.

Credits (Apart from Tobias Fong C.W)

Mr Eric Soh, you have indeed taught me a lot in setting up the cornerstone. Everything I've gleaned so far is self learnt and self taught, but without a politically incorrect Mr Eric Soh, there will never be a far more politically incorrect Kuok Ming Hui.

Mr Tay Tai Ming, you might be Mr Eric Soh's second in command on all things political incorrectness, but if not for your harsh critique, I'll never be able to redo my blog into an e-WMD lol! And yes, best of God's grace to your kid and wife. :)

Pastor T, I'm truly sorry that I can't leak your full name due to my reservations on implicating you into my prolonged stupidity thus far. I really thank you for that nice little dialogue back during the Fellowship Camp at Johor. I do not know if you knew anything damning back then, but your questions actually forced me to make an honest answer and I'm truthfully glad that your pseudo-interrogation actually went a long way in forcing a positive reaction out of me here.

Ryan Huang Xiang Rong and Patrick Chen Xin Wen, I'm still waiting for good news coming from the all famous resident dynamic duo. Unfortunately, one is not Batman and other not Robin.

Zhuo De En, please don't listen to Mr Bear's advice. Taking down one whole box of Panadol will cause you a certain case of medical poisoning lol! :P

Sim Wei Yow, see you tomorrow@DDR. ;)

Mr Gan, I already kahku never see you liao lol! :D

Roti-Peck, longzong eh roti kige liao lol! :P

Master Wong, please take care of yourself. I know your blabbering has hit a raw nerve in me more than once, but you know me, so...

Master Yeo, please stay by Master Wong's side. Life will never be dull with the Dual Masters Drunken Fists lol! :D

To that one Master pulling the blue tanks up and down...

Master Bo, please notify me when you open your Temple of Fury.

Mr President Dagdag Bawa... okay I don't need to say anything. Just don't disturb the Khaleesi because Viserys Targaryen had tried it before lol! :P

Baba-aaron, Babae-rol, Babae-rosh and Babae-roneil. Plus the original Babaero as well lol!

(ex)OA of Wales, please don't tell me the same old story again whenever I informed you of a shocker football result. You're making me suspicious. -.-'

Big Boss, please wear pink more often. They tend to say real men wear pink.

Boss Melayu, do not meddle in the affairs of the Immortals pls.

Boss Matt, please don't try that laugh in public. It will set off the standard SG hysteric works lol!

Jahatludin, you know why I call you that.

Pompan Mai, you know why I call you that.

Ms Baik, I know why I have to call you that.

Mak Normah, hope to see you back tomorrow.

Mak Rosminah, same as above.

To my three "godsisters" and two "godmothers"...

Mr Jeffrey Lee and Mr Jason Teh, thanks for keeping watch over this potential trouble in the making. And also giving me job so that I don't have to bum around like a bum. :)

Steve Ang, I dunno what to say. Same for Carling, Chief, RSM and the rest because I now hungry. But at least I need to say a word of "sorry" to Ms Komala and Ms Pathi due to the corrupted nature of this post.

Mr CEO Sir, I don't know what else to say...

And there are some more that I still remember, but tak boleh alrdy b/c of space and hunger.

“I learned from the White Bull and Barristan the Bold. I learned from Ser Arthur Dayne, the Sword of the Morning, who could have slain all five of you with his left hand while he was taking a piss with his right.”

That boy had wanted to be Ser Arthur Dayne, but someplace along the way he had become the Smiling Knight instead.