Ryan Private [abbrev RP]: Wait, why did you give this stupid bratwurst extra exposure?
Lee Yu-Kwang [abbrev LYK]: Because my boss told me, what. I know we're close buddies, Ryan. Unfortunately, I do not own a government.
Jürgen Kok [abbrev JK]: Thanks for your intro, Lee. I thought we're here to talk about football? Or am I missing out something?
LYK: It has something to do with a selca moment. Okay, never mind. Let us first get into...
*kickass rock music suddenly coming out from PA system*
JK: Wow, that's nostalgic. Reminds me of all those times where your executive producer dueled with me at the local arcade. Glad to know B.S Ko still holding the post.
RP: WHAT????????
JK: You don't have to emulate Stone Cold Steve Austin, dearest Ryan. Either you can ask me how to use Order-Sol or you can ask B.S. Ko to help you try mastering Testament.
LYK: Okay, folks. While enjoying the music dished out by P.C*, let us get to our local correspondent in Brazil.
*note from Mr B.S. Ko, i.e. CEO of FBC: P.C has got nothing to do with computers, but rather our man in charge of the PA system.
(x) (x) (x)
Correspondent: Welcome to Brazil, the nation of football and all other good things rounded. I am your local correspondent, Kurt Henry McCoy. It has been an overwhelming tournament thus far with La Furia Roja and Socceroos being the first two casualties. Giants are slain and legends are born, is it any wonder to see neutral romantics calling themselves Team David rather than Team Goliath? Let us hear some opinions on the ground.Tourist 1: So happy to come here! But not so happy to see Chinese and Koreans taking photos. You believe ref comes from my country? You believe my people so stupid? Now even the gaijin also laughing at us. Better don't mention of my neighbarus here! I got katana! You want to see my katana? Oh sorry to be rude. My gyarufurein got disturbed last night for six hours, think that's why I now start seeing every man to be bakayarou...
Tourist 2: 'Tis a sad day. My amigos have all deserted apart from me. Huh? Why I am still here? No national team, still got chicas locales!
Tourist 3: Nothing new, mate. I mean w're all used to negative press, no? At least our 11 mates taking the field were more comfortable on the eye. Out with all guns blazing better than reading how racists have destroyed our economy. That plus why them Brazilians like that shit brew Foster's so much, I can never understand. Period.
Tourist 4: Sorry, I now busy... err, okay. Oh, 죄송합니다... I was too busy tweeting just now. Wait, why is your face so red? Are you okay?
Kurt Henry McCoy: I... I... okay, back to you guys at the studio.
(x) (x) (x)
LYK: Poor Kurt. After all those years, he still couldn't deal with girls.
RP: But that Korean girl looks beautiful though.
JK: Of course she's beautiful. *name censored due to agency restrictions* is known as a natürliche Schönheit back home in South Korea.
LYK+RP: WHAT???????????
JK: Why?
LYK: No wonder she looks so familiar!
RP: Me as well!
JK: She's that celeb whom I shared that harmless selca moment. Remember what you said, Lee?
LYK: Erm yes, I supposed.
RP: You lucky bastard.
JK: No more luckier than Ned Stark's bastard, thank you very much. I think the poor boy must be wishing for some teleportation ability right now.
LYK: Okay, so maybe we should now air our views on what has gone by in Group A to C. Ryan, you first.
RP: Firstly, I truly feel sorry for Vatreni. I mean the Croatians were already hampered by the weather! Then the next thing we know, referee's mistake. I don't know whether I should say Neymar won the match for Pentacampeões or the referee did so for them.
JK: Agreed. That's a bitter pill to swallow, that's why Vatreni chose to vent their anger on Les Lions Indomptables. They're not out of the woods yet since El Tricolor awaits next.
LYK: So how would you see this intriguing duel given both teams have plenty to gain and lose, Jürgen?
JK: Would you like to answer this for me, Ryan?
RP: No thanks. I'm a gentleman.
JK: Okay, so here it goes. If Croatia wants to enter last 16, drawing first blood is essential. While one point is a possible outcome, Niko Kovač will try to take the game to Mexico. Per what we've seen against Brazil, the Mexicans are capable of operating shrewdly.
RP: You sounds like a racist by using the s-word.
JK: What? You mean *censored*?
LYK: I think Ryan means shrewdly.
JK: Oh, that one. So what? José Mourinho always operate shrewdly, does that make me anti-Portuguese?
RP: Okay, you owned me on this one.
JK: Back to the talk. I firmly believe this will be a battle of attrition across the middle. Miguel Herrera will not tell his lads to pour forward due to the Croatians being ten times better than Cameroon, both technically and tactically. In particular, Chicharito's status as the supersub will come in handy. It seems that for now, dos Santos will get the nod ahead of his fellow speed demon.
RP: Which now comes to how I see the difference between Hernández and dos Santos. Chicharito is a gifted goal assassin, but dos Santos plays on a different style. The former coming off on the field will vastly change how the latter plays, but we all know dos Santos is intelligent enough to make the switch. Capable of playing across the offensive width, dos Santos' versatility might just be his finest weapon, not superior ball technique and a more superior pace.
JK: That plus Herrera will surely choke the midfield. Two players from opposite ends to look out for.
LYK: Mandžukić and Ochoa?
JK: No. Modrić and Ochoa. As I said just now, the battle will be lost and won across the middle park. Which means just like how Messi can't perform without Xavi and Iniesta, Mandžukić can't perform without Modrić. Ochoa, on the other hand, will find it easier to perform alone since he's no Peter Schmeichel. But the next Jorge Campos? In between the sticks, I believe the hope of one entire nation will be united behind Ochoa. That's how much I rate his future.
LYK: So how about Cameroon and Australia?
RP: Have to say this is a story of two different losers. Both teams departed with zero points, but only Australia will bid adiós with their pride intact. If Cameroon still wants to call its team a pride of lions, then someone should just tell that country's leader that those dingos hailing from Australasia are better than them. Cahill, in particular, would have given his national museum something to broadcast about. Purchase the copyright and call that goal a national treasure, that's a good way to boost tourism even though Australia has never been in want where tourist spending is concerned.
JK: And to think the dingo, as a canine species, tend to be associated with crooks.
LYK: Are you saying Australians are a bunch of crooks?
JK: No. But it's true to say their ancestors were.
RP: I think I'm a bit offended by your words, Jürgen.
JK: Don't worry. I know Aussies and Brits hail from the same family tree.
RP: ......
LYK: Okay, maybe we can try commenting on Group C and D now? But first, I need your input on how the South Koreans fared against Russia. Ryan, your take?
RP: Either the Taegyuk Warriors played above themselves or the Russians failed to invoke the spirit of Stalin.
JK: I believe those comments would make you a racist.
RP: At least I never said both.
JK: That would have made you both a nationalist and racist.
LYK: Okay, please don't fight, the two of you. So what's your view, Jürgen?
RP *whispering to LYK*: I want *She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named* as my girlfriend. I think that's what he will say.
JK: No comments. The South Korean FA has placed a ban on my mouth. They know what I'm capable of and the last thing every sane minded Korean wants is an early exit. The Sewol ferry tragedy is still weighing heavily on the nation, that's why they tell...
LYK+RP: Tell you what? That they will promise you a girlfriend of A-star grade?
JK: "Before you start talking, Kwak, shut up."
LYK: That's all?
RP: I though you really might score with...
JK: The Koreans seem to enjoy playing Marvel Heroes as well. Teamed up with a Deadpool bloke named JRC, we actually mopped that Purifier hall with that unstoppable Juggernaut. Dunno whether JRC is Korean tho.
RP: You're not listening to me...
JK: Am I?
LYK: Poor bloke. I think he just got incapacitated.
JK: Via mortification, no less. Okay, so we're onto Group C and D?
LYK: Yep.
JK: Okay. Firstly, let me just congratulate Los Cafeteros and José Pékerman for a job well done. Any fears of a Radamel Falcao hangover was at last put to rest.
LYK: You talk too early and talk too fast.
JK: Then it remains to see how much of a threat Les Éléphants will pose, both short and long term. Ivory Coast is the only team capable of sinking Pékerman's team of titans.
LYK: Am I sensing a Titanic joke brewing here?
JK: April 1912 was down to humane cock up, April 2014 was due to a systematic cock up. If I was in Obama's shoes, I'd have mobilize the CIA in order to find out whether that fugitive is currently protected by DPRK.
LYK: You're jumping to undue conclusions.
JK: Sorry. Must be how I perceive tabloid media. So where are we now? The fact that Deadpool and Bob would double team Yoo Byung-eun if they're real?
LYK *whispering to self*: Wouldn't like to be in some 73 year old's shoes if Deadpool is for real.
JK: Oh, I remember now. The two matches tonight. Simply put, Japan will want to get all 3 points while nothing less than 3 will do for Colombia. Greece will be forced on the back foot, they will most likely want to score via one stroke of break-and-counter. As for Ivory Coast, the form of Yaya Touré coupled with Didier Drogba's impact in the last third will be the crux. Unlike Susanooh versus Ares, 1 goal won't be enough for Colombia or Ivory Coast. Two goals clear and the winner shall be clear. Well more or less anyway...
LYK: So what about Group D?
JK: The Azzurri winning the Three Lions was a no brainer. Los Ticos pulling three whooping wedgies over La Celeste, on the other hand, has got to be the first atomic wedgie in this World Cup. No other results comes close currently.
LYK: Tactics wise?
JK: Tabárez can't perform without Suárez. Everybody says that and everybody knows that. Diego Forlán is a goal predator, not a goal linker. Plenty of Uruguay's success has always been about the linkup play between Suárez and Cavani. Not so much of your typical Emile Heskey-Tony Cottee partnership, but more of George Camsell-Wilf Mannion.
LYK: I know the first pair, but the second?
JK: That was way back during Jack Charlton's time as a manager. Middlesbrough is an area without anything to boast about, but at least the Uruguayans must have watched Camsell and Mannion playing. The style is different of course, but the concept is unmistakably there. In short, Uruguay needs a centre forward capable of linking back play while providing a pressure point upfront. Quite a bit like Gen's Shi'tengetsu.
LYK: So you're firmly supporting the view that Suárez will provide the pressure point if he starts?
JK: Have to say Uruguayans really play their football like how Che Guevara conducted his field tactics. One bloke as the sword, the other playing the dagger. How the goal threat will be presented is via a cloak and dagger approach. Anyone can be that dagger, but more likely either Cavani the sniper or Suárez the lancer. Period. Okay, think I'm getting sleepy at the moment. Have to take a trip to the north east of England tomorrow.
LYK: Huh? Why? Where?
JK: The Riverside stadium, home to Middlesbrough Football Club. The chairman is inviting me for a stay at Rockliffe Hall. He must have known something which I don't.
LYK: So any last words?
JK: This.
LYK: Erm... okay then. Wish you the best in football and love.
 |
| Actual last words from Jürgen Kok |
No comments:
Post a Comment