Group D
República Oriental del Uruguay
Talk cock intro: Welcome to Uruguay, a nation best known for winning the first World Cup and a certain Luis "tak lugi" Suárez. [1] This is a nation which have gotten the US and 90% of England hot under the collar. The former was because of South Africa 2010, the latter due to a conspiracy between two mutually hated rivales. [2] If there's anything to go via this current La Celeste, it would be them and Italy being hot faves to trump the group. That is unless Suárez decides to become Alucard III.
La responsabilidad: How in the blue hell does Óscar "not García" Tabárez manage to win games by parking seven amigos behind the ball? To make this shit football tactic work, two amigos must work in tandem. While it's easy to identify Suárez as the key man, special mention has to be reserved for a certain Edinson "not Edison" Cavani. I remembered seeing La Celeste in action during 2010, this was when football matches were aired 'live' for free at McDonalds. [3] Allow me to be a jerk by saying the only bugger catching my eye was Cavani. If Suárez is all about pace and penetration, then Cavani is all about pace and trickery. Both are equally aggressive, but that's all when it comes to exact attributes as footballers. If La Celeste wants to become a force of reckoning at Brazil, 'tis important to understand where Cavani should be playing. A flat 4-4-2 might work, but I prefer saying 4-4-1-1 with Suárez being the lone target man and Cavani in the hole. [4] Then again, it doesn't make much sense in terms of balancing the width with seven men unless Tabárez is guilty of using 4-5-1 with Cavani played out wide. Won't put it past him though. [5]
Prediction: La Celeste will have something to prove here. This is a team most likely to break down play across the middle 3rd while deploying a high block system. They will be out to frustrate and penetrate, both Cavani and Suárez will most likely be given the license to kill. Or rather only these two. Most likely bookmakers' fave to qualify apart from Italy.
Who I'd like to see in her national colours
 |
| Johana Riva aka Miss Uruguay 2014 |
República de Costa Rica
Talk cock intro: Little is known about Los Ticos apart from the fact that this is that team which made Mexico sweat like crazy. Drawn into the Group of Death, will Los Ticos make it out alive? Or maybe they will become Los Tacos? I admit that I know nothing next to shit concerning Los Ticos. But if there's anything to go by via what might possibly go through the team's mind...
La responsabilidad: A lot will hinge on a certain Bryan "not Singer" Ruiz. Being a team suffering little to zero fame in the sport, 'tis only natural to see Jorge "not Valdano" Luis Pinto opting for a pragmatic 4-2-3-1. With Ruiz being that ace in the hole, a lot will hinge heavily on how he pulls the strings behind two wide amigos and one central amigo. As both secondary striker and attacking midfielder, it's rather likely that opponents will try making Los Tacos out of Los Ticos via exploiting massive gaps left in between offence and defence. At this point of time, it will be down to the three amigos. Or rather Ruiz and his two amigos at the back. Whoever tasked with anchoring the fort by then, you both have been warned.
Prediction: I don't like to play the doom prophet because there is only one Pele. Rather, enjoy the ride. YOLO amigos=you're worth it. One interesting fact tho: Los Ticos got screwed by La Celeste in the buildup to 2010.
Who I'd like to see in her national colours
 |
| Jarlyn Arias |
England
Talk cock intro: Better known as Engrand in broken Engrish, this is truly a proud nation fallen into hard times. In the merry world of football, England has always been a footballing paradox. The English Premier League has always been the most competitive league by a long shot. Yet, this is also a footballing nation well known for churning out shit national players. This is NOT to say English players are shit. Rather, the Three Lions have always been mocked as a winning 11. Football isn't about whether you have the best 11 players starting. It's about creating a winning team of 11. This is where England fell horribly short with Sir Alf "not Gordon" Ramsey being the only person to defy history. I've got no problem saying Frank "not lampa" Lampard and Steven "not Steve Ang" Gerrard are world class players. Yet, I'd rather jump off the roof of SGH than to call them a world class pairing. Only Fabio "KEEP THE ****ING BALL DAMMIT YOU BLOODY MANGKOK!!!!" Capello and Glenn "smartest man in the room" Hoddle were able to prove themselves tactically intelligent. The rest are either shit or the jury is still out. [6] Okay, I admit this verdict is too damning even though I'm actually calculating from post Euro 96 onward.
In a world where the only player you can never afford is Messi, people will always go for quick fixes rather than long term planning. England have no one to blame but itself for this predicament. Greg Dyke might have suffered plenty of fire over his Aladeen moment, but allow this bastard to applaud him for having the balls to tell the entire footballing world that... "yes, our domestic football is a bazillion times better than our national football."
The onus: Will Roy "not of the Rovers" Hodgson finally boss the team like Roy of the Rovers? Hoddle was the last man to call himself Roy of the Rovers and rightfully so. Take a good look at England under him. This SHOULD be what England is all about. Sadly, Roy of the Rovers is quintessentially fiction. Messi on the other hand is a living PS4 gaming sprite. Thankfully, Hodgson decided to rip up the script drafted by a certain Sven-Göran "kenna goreng" Eriksson. This IS the thing England need the most and 'tis high time for Hodgson to prove his doubters wrong once and for all. It'd be interesting to see how England will cope with the hot and humid Latin climate as the lads cannot afford to burn too much energy playing like the England Jack "Gunner Jack" Wilshere had (in)famously stated. [7]
It's important for England to retain possession and not commit themselves recklessly. This will be where the spine of the team comes in. From central defence to central striker(s), chasing back possession should ONLY be the last resort. This is not me telling England how to play. This is me stressing home the point that England should just minimise the need to do so.
As for youth blooding, Hodgson will do well in allow wide players to express themselves. It's not that England players are shit all the while. Joey "fightin' round the world" Barton might have been a tad too damning in his words, but there's a certain logic behind his apparent Mad Hatter moment. No cohesion means no cohesion, only an idiot will see a donkey and call it a horse. If there have been players like Lee "not Billy" Sharpe, Glenn "smartest man in the room" Hoddle and Chris "not waffles" Waddle gracing the history of English football, why then must the English corporate culture administer euthanasia on those truly good enough?
Personally speaking, it'll be good to see the likes of Daniel "not partridge" Sturridge, Ross "not Charles" Barkley, Adam "not lalas" Lallana and Raheem "not Donald" Sterling strutting their stuff on a starting basis.
Prediction: The hot seat has never been a poisoned chalice. Rather, I'd call it Siege Perilous where any Tom, Dick and Harry happening to sit on it will perish straightaway. The St George faithful are still waiting for Sir Galahad, will Hodgson be the one? Hodgson wagered a tenner on Engrand finally reverting to England, I firmly believe the only thing every long suffering English wants right now is for this once proud footballing nation to retrieve a good semblance of the English pride. Ofc winning a tenner shouldn't be enough if England really manage to reverse time itself. Therefore, every lad mag must be prepared for the unexpected. If England win, there must be some hot chick(s) posing in the shirt and I do not mean those featured in the Sun. [8]
A/N: I find it quite interesting that this current squad is hellbent on staying low profile. It's a good bit like me saying S'poreans are capable of taking the world by storm when it comes to football and fantasy novel writing, both which are used to ridicule before typical S'pore itself. If Hodgson is trying to deflect whatever media bs lavished unto the team all the while, it means that his first move is alrdy a proven success.
Repubblica Italiana
Talk cock intro: A nation which understands not the meaning of defeat, this will be how I describe Gli Azzurri. Calciopoli was a scandal that should have torn this nation apart. In the face of economic uncertainty, facing a scandal equivalent to Richard Nixon and Watergate was the last thing Italy ever needed. In 2006, the country got screwed by Juventus. Ironically, it was also through the footballing lineage of La Vecchia Signora that gave this nation solace and hope. In case you all still taktau, Marcello "Signore Turin" Lippi used to coach the Old Lady over two stints, i.e. 1994-1999 and 2001-2004. Come Euro 2012, Calciopoli struck back like a revived Palpatine hellbent on seducing the entire Skywalker lineage over to the Dark Side. Suffice to say, however...
Interestingly enough, Italians are also known for their handsome blokes. Way before the current generation is hot on Korean flower boys, those born around my generation and beyond should remember a certain Paolo "not that Paolo in my dept" Maldini. If you even happen to ask any S'porean bella signora around 2-3 yrs my senior on who is Maldini, there's a decent chance of her aging at least 5-10 yrs in reverse. All for this Azzurri's sake.
L'onere: If you think S'poreans are bad enough in terms of being pragmatic bastards, think again. The concept of catenaccio was the brainchild of footballing pragmatism and Italy was the country making it (in)famous. Additional stuff like zona mista and libero are just like imagining Julius Caesar turning the Roman Republic into the Roman Empire. As for Cesare "the godfather" Prandelli, he managed to pull off his own Julius Caesar by advocating a more adventurous approach without compromising what makes Italian football truly Italian.
A lot will depend on Mario "Ball-lol-telli" Balotelli. This is a player synonymous with talent and trouble. Truly one hell of a beast, the only detrimental attribute denying his development will be an explosive temper. Explosive pace and equally explosive instinct makes this black jack a badass jack. Not only is he a scoring machine unlike John "I scored w/my ex-BFF's ex" Terry, allowing him to prowl off ball will be the last thing you''ll ever want. Nobody was able to tame this lion let loose, not even José "O Especial" Mourinho. [9] That is until Prandelli managed to find a way to shut the lid. [10]
And therein lies another player whom I believe holds the key to unlock title no.6. A lot had been said on Andrea "Mago" Pirlo during the last Euro, but can he be fit enough to endure whatever excruciating weather that awaits? This is where another mago makes his presence known.
Riccardo "Mago II" Montolivo, this will be Prandelli's man. The best locksmith can unlock any lock, this got nothing to do with misogyny. As both an attacking mid and deep lying playmaker, Montolivo is truly one son of a gun. Prandelli's challenge is very simple: how will he accommodate Pirlo, Montolivo and Daniele "Capitan Lupi" De Rossi?
Key to make or break lies in the magic word and it's got nothing to do w/the clip below.
So what does C.I.R.C stands for? C.I.R.C has nothing to do w/A*STAR or NUS [11], it doesn't stand for Clinical Imaging Research Centre. That one belongs to beautiful and smart radiographers who happen to say "kthnxbai" to DDR itself due to better job prospects. [12]
C stands for Control, I means Intelligence, R denotes Reconnaissance, C indicates Cunning as a fox.
Prediction: Together with La Celeste, Gli Azzurri has to be the top fave to win the group. I'm not saying this b/c the Old Lady is coming to my country. I'm saying this from the bookmakers' POV.
Who I'd like to see in her national colours
 |
| Claudia Romani |
[1]: The former which is quintessentially ulu knowledge I obtained during my primary school days.
[2]: Namely one orang hitam merah and his orang putih biru friend.
[3]: That was during the 24 hr outlet era.
[4]: iirc that was how Boro took the season by storm under Jack "I got a little black book" Charlton when he decided to play George Camsell as Suárez and Wilf Mannion as Cavani.
[5]: Another tactical possibility is a back and forth 4-3-3 where 2 wide forwards will track back upon losing possession. Easier said than done for the opponents due to ruthless aggression from the last 3 amigos if so.
[6]: Jury still out on Hodgson.
[7]: Although the object of his objection has gone Belgian.
[8]: Not to mention the likelihood of Merseyside boycotting Rupert "I want to own the sky" Murdoch once again.
[9]: Let alone Roberto "not Martinez" Mancini.
[10]: Albeit success rate is rather dodgy so as to speak....
[11]: Because Scorpio are meant to be obsessive arses, let me voice out that my younger sis also graduated from NUS.
[12]: This got nothing to do/S'porean society to be fair since even doctors would prefer better working environment.
P.S: Because Sir Ian McKellen happens to be English...
(Okay lah, I only use him as an excuse to do this shit below)
[3]: That was during the 24 hr outlet era.
[4]: iirc that was how Boro took the season by storm under Jack "I got a little black book" Charlton when he decided to play George Camsell as Suárez and Wilf Mannion as Cavani.
[5]: Another tactical possibility is a back and forth 4-3-3 where 2 wide forwards will track back upon losing possession. Easier said than done for the opponents due to ruthless aggression from the last 3 amigos if so.
[6]: Jury still out on Hodgson.
[7]: Although the object of his objection has gone Belgian.
[8]: Not to mention the likelihood of Merseyside boycotting Rupert "I want to own the sky" Murdoch once again.
[9]: Let alone Roberto "not Martinez" Mancini.
[10]: Albeit success rate is rather dodgy so as to speak....
[11]: Because Scorpio are meant to be obsessive arses, let me voice out that my younger sis also graduated from NUS.
[12]: This got nothing to do/S'porean society to be fair since even doctors would prefer better working environment.
P.S: Because Sir Ian McKellen happens to be English...
(Okay lah, I only use him as an excuse to do this shit below)
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