Pre match talking cock (YET again!)

This time round, I really need to say something to keep the ball rolling: Spain vs Italy. 4-3-3 vs 3-5-2=W...T...F...

Yes, that's a statement of sarcasm on the whole OMG ITALY PLAYING SHIT FOOTBALL AGAIN!!!!! And trust me when I say there are still ppl moaning abt the same ol' tactic, same ol' Italy. Not so when vs other teams barring Spain anyway. So let's get this fact clear. The Italians don't play blood and thunder. Barring the very fact that mafia will always be their iconic nemesis barring Al Pacino himself, the Italians are very damned well known for their technical defense. So bloody technical, the only fault cynics will find in them is... well shit football. Altho their brand of "No more pasta!" football is anything but shit on the technical scale. Simply put, they can break you down, they can troll you by saying "hey we owned your country in everything especially the football, cuisine and the bella donna!" while flooring you with an Italian (smash & grab) job. Very damned iconic. Second only to Super Mario Bros no thanks to Nintendo itself. So with all the stupid jokes out of the way, let me just pinpoint who to look out for.

I'd like to say Ballotelli, but he's no Super Mario. And quite obviously, the blokes at Nintendo forgot to add in a black bloke as the 3rd guy in command after Luigi himself. In fact I lol'ed hard upon seeing Cassano's name. Simply put, Cassano isn't a black. Stupid ppl will start to sing stupid songs just b/c Ballotelli is... well a black. But srsly speaking, if there's anything to go by, Cassano might have realized that barring this final hurrah, he might have screwed his life upside down. Compared to Ballo, he doesn't have much time, he's gonna make full use of the talent he has all the while. Now or nvr. Which is why I've pinpointed him as the key man. To see a guy behind two blokes, that just means one thing. Pirlo is gonna run his ass off the ground again if not for the very fact that he's actually part of Gattuso and co's generation. If this fella is gonna play a more withdrawn role similiar to Xavi, then w/o a doubt it will be Ballo and Cassa going forward as the main threats. Both have talent. Bundles of it. But if there's anyone most likely to produce the goods, it will be Cassano. Back then, he was a bloody Freddy for the opponents and an equally bloody Jason for his own team. Don't believe me, ask the Roma blokes last time round. Ballo's time will come, but def not now, not here.

In a very weird sense, Cassa can also go a long way in calming down Ballo since they're in the same boat so as to speak. Whatever Ballo has pulled off, Cassa most likely would have been there. Barring that "I blow up my bathroom for the lulz" fiasco b/c Cassano has nvr gone to England. But still there is a possibility for Cassano to say "Hey bro! I know you're trouble, I know you're a black. But srsly I don't give a flying damn b/c someone actually said something abt 11 guys reduced to 10. So why not take my cue, take a deep breath and channel your anger onto the pitch rather than that human being before you? De Rossi can take care of himself fyi". ofc this is just a stupid skit I cooked out of the oven, but still a lot actually hinges on these two with Cassano being the only hope of containing Ballotelli. It's either the Italians make salamis out of the opponents or they become national salamis themselves. Due to the most obvious I'm not gonna state here.

Now on Spain. Nothing much of hoo-ha, I'll have to say that barring the Dutch, they're the most stable team so far. Barring Villa getting crocked for good until the tourney ends. So key guy? Allow me to play the moron and say Pique. Yes, I'm talking abt a defender where in fact we're talking abt Spain. Why? Simply put, Fergie's greatest cock up was down to this fella. Back then when he was released, I was like " MAN U MAD????!!!!" Turns out I was right when Barca snapped him up and the rest is history. Yes, anti-Utd blokes, you all may laugh the last now. Not that I'm part of either camp anyway. -.-; So now no Puyol, who then? Pique. ofc there's Ramos as well, but still I'm not too sure how he's gonna measure up compared to Mr Shakira. Not that he got the girl, but rather in a team where any leeway of screw ups will mean actual death for the team, Pique's burdens can be seen as relatively heavier. Ramos has Mourinho, Barca needs Pique. Case in point: The most spectacular collapse masterminded by Roberto "New contract pls?" Di Matteo. Simply put, mentally he will and should be far more composed. Not that Ramos is still the kind of cardbait when he was just an upstart anyway. (Or is it Busquets? Screw the Segios and the El Classico) If the Spanish defence got breached, they're in trouble. Maybe not so much vs other teams, but Spanish salami will be on the table for this match alone.

Croatia. Bilic is a renowned rocker. Or something along that line unless my memory got it wrong. The Croats also know how to rock the shit out of their opponents. Most notably England albeit the English would have their own revenge much later. The arrow fired from the Croatian Longbow was bloody priceless tho. ["Wake up! You did not score your two goals because you had two strikers up front, we were simply the better team."=pwned] Two key guys: Modric and Jelavic. We know the guy from Spurs, but then again Bilic has to thank Moyes as well despite Mr Everton being part of the great (ex) British Empire. Of course I believe Bilic would have known Moyes is a Scot. Of course we all know how the history goes in all things Scots. Now if only we can summon William Wallace's soul just to ask whether Moyes is related to him or not since we all know Mel Gibson is just a poser in the movies. Okay so I digress yet again. I won't mention Modric since he's so famous now. Jelavic. Moyes signed him for a purpose. And we all know it's mission accomplished. If there's anything to go by, ppl will try to nail Modric on the highest priority, but if Jelavic gets the ball, it's still equally troublesome. There's no need for me to say any more further. The only Everton bloke in my church can attest to it. That is provided any one of you can track him down like an Irish hound.

And speaking of the Irish, let me just say that the only thing in common between them and the English is this: Granny. It's a scandal, the greatest obscenity in the face of the British Isles. One got forgiven, the other... I dunno srsly b/c ppl tend to say the national namesake is a bit loopy due to the Superman underwear. But at least I'm willing to give that Irish fruitcake the benefit of doubt. Now at the risk of having Irish wolfhounds running loose in SG, let me just say that Trapatonni will be the key man. A lot of jokes have been made at the expense of the Irish. And quite obviously, the Irish might still be making jokes abt whether dinosaurs DO exist in the Swiss Alps. Racial abuse however should be abhorred for whatever reasons conceivable. Period. Now it's pretty much interesting to see him deploying a 4-4-2 tentatively despite him being an Italian. So what's the gist? A lot of ppl tend to see Robbie Keane as the go-to guy, but they might have forgotten Shane Long. I've seen this bloke play. He can score goals if you give him the time, space and ofc the ball. Granted no more fruitcakes for breakfast, but still I'm gonna say collective effort ftw. Up front, Shane Long shouldn't be dumbed down unless you're dumber than a hamster. Midfield wise, Damien Duff starting is just well... un-Ireland I guess. Backline, it's imperative that St Ledger and Dunne has to marshal the spine. I dunno abt Dunne, but St Ledge wasn't a shabby center back when he was on loan with us back then in the red North East shirt. Weirdly enough, I do have the funny illusion that he's actually a bit more error prone upon deciding that a permanent deal wasn't the way to go. :S

Just a few post-match thoughts...

Germany vs Portugal. Now ppl tend to ask why you defend Portugal? Well to be fair I guess Bento's game plan is very simple. I put Nani and CR on the offense while I know who are the guys from the other end. Germans were frustrated? Well if so, then its 100% logical. If Portugal was playing for a draw, then I'm not too sure whether plonking Nani and CR together would be just a wayang (malay for play acting). Simply put, Bento isn't a fool. He knew that 3 points is far more valuable than 1 given the group they're in. What I'm guessing here is this: Frustrate the Krauts and smack them come the final 20 mins or so. Simply put, this is the best I can come up with while making my stubborn pride intact. Case in point: Which end of the German pitch will crack first if Portugal just wanna go parking lulz mode? Not the attack or the middle 3rd. Doubted Lahm could have barked some far needed calm worst come to worst. So 72nd min sucker punch from Mario Gomez scuppered everything altho Neuer=Hero of the back end. So as to speak anyway. Interestingly enough, I'm still wondering since when Gomez had scored in the World Cup given his quite-the-opposite club form. Low better bark some srs sense into him. I truly doubt the Danes will be crying over his own brand of sucker punch srsly. :S

On the Dutch sucker-punched. Now interestingly enough, ppl tend to ask where is RVP when you need him. Funnily enough, RVP-->RVD'ed no matter what. And above everything else, a 4-2-3-1 w/o Huntelaar seems weird. Or rather I would say Huntelaar is far more of the classic goal poacher than RVP. ofc 4-2-3-1 isn't the kind of formation to put this guy in unless we end up seeing RVP behind Huntelaar. Deployment bleepgot here, old Bert? Sneijder is no-brainer. de Jong and van Bommel in front of the back 4 is a conservative approach given van Bommel lol! So maybe we should ask why van der Vaart wasn't plonked into the fray far earlier. Profligacy is the effect, not really the cause. When that 24th min goal pop up, the Dutch were laying siege like a bunch of far right blokes who have just finished smoking weed due to Fitna dealing them a much-needed mind rape fix. So at the risk of sounding like a dick (no innuendo intended due to the Dutch legalizing *cough cough*), Bert cocked up. Big time. Maybe van der Vaart should be subbed in far earlier. 60+mins? Sounds logical to me. As for Kuyt... I'm still in the WTF la-la land. In fact if there's anything to go by, van der Vaart followed by Huntelaar later on could have some really interesting results. As in VDV's much needed creativity as the shock outlet followed by Huntelaar as the impact lancer? I dunno srsly. What I do know is that VDV is a Spurs player for a very good reason. It's not just abt Modric getting crocked or whatever. This guy can really go forward. Period. Case in point: The 71st min 2x subs hit an immediate impact. What if the timing is... well as per what I've assumed? (note of self-fallacy: assume=ass-u-me) But a lot of what-ifs, one VERY valuable blessing in disguise. Simply put, thigns could have been worse for BOTH Germany and Portugal. Yes, NOT the Dutch. Why? Very simple. The Dutch team has been far more stable than the two. Bento managed to steady the ship, but how far he will go still remains to be seen. Germany can do a superb blitzkrieg, but I can't be so sure on their own bunker. If there's anything to go by, Olsen's tactics could have a far more srs trolling effect under any given bad endings.

So should ol' Bert whack himself silly over the opening match? Just ask Maradona and the 2006 World Cup. Or maybe even better, Calciopoli if it's truly a living person. :S

P.S: Need to input the final part. Not enough time to trawl pic search. No personal intentions intended. Now need to eat dinner.

Some thoughts: Group of all things mati (i.e. malay for death)

So now comes the biggest hoo-ha group of them all. Oktoberfest+Dutch-Maids+CR+Them-damned-all-Vikings. Okay, that's some really crappy stereotypical humour, but meh...

So now let me just highlight some match analysis. Take note that I no Shebby Singh, I no Carlton Palmer. I no M'sian or Engrish. >.<

Match 1: Netherlands & Denmark.

So let's get this fact across here. The Danes are well known to be physical. In the sense that we're talking abt Scandinavian countries. So now comes to the biggest question: How far can they go in this match? We need to take note that while the Danes are the surprise package this season, we're NOT talking abt a certain edition of the Euros where they indeed ended up being winners while making ppl losing/gaining $$$ by loads and thousands. But still, there's nothing to sneeze abt in a team where the fans can really re-dream abt the good ol' yrs of Laudrups and the merry bros. So now just let me highlight the key man here. Christian Eriksen. At the risk of creating a burnout where such a probability is no diff from seeing a Rapture coming down halfway thru this Euro, let me just say that a lot hinges on this 20 yr old, who given the best case scenario will end up shooting up the new talent charts. A lot has been said abt him, but to me the key lies in the very fact that he can and will be the go-to guy when it comes to link-up and offense. At least I do see it as part of his game anyway. I'm not abt to say he's a Sneijder. That's way too far flung. For a 20 yr lad to receive rave reviews, there has to be something so much more. So what am I to say on him? An attacking midfielder. For all we know, he can really play across the middle park. For all we know, he can be (heavens forbid!) far more technically sound than a certain loose cannon associated with grannies. But pointless jokes aside, once I saw his stats for Ajax together with his weight-height proportion, my verdict is this: He's sure no damned Sneijder or Xavi. More towards the Iniesta mold if I say so myself. Seeing how he has rise up like Rocketman himself (his starting-subbed out stats=major absurdity until the very point where we're talking abt Ajax itself), a lot of eyes will be on him. In a squad where the only forward universally known is a certain Bendtner, media stress will be on him. (Not that I will assume the Danes are all abt those two anyway. Rommedahl still in at 33=at least he no Baros.) So how will he cope on the biggest stage so far will go a long way on how the Danes will progress.

The Dutch will be far more straightforward for me since Bert van Marwijk has done a Total Dismantling on every front conceivable.

Total dismantling on the Total Footie philosophy?
Johann Cruyff might still have something to say here.

Total dismantling on the dressing room SOP? Well its a miracle that we still have yet to see that cosmic implosion the Dutch are so famous for. And I blame this bloke for killing the drama.

Totally dismantled the notion that its far more timeworthy to focus on the hot stacked chicks rather than the players themselves?

Congrats old Bert. You're the official Guiness Record holder as the most capped Dismantler. :)

So now let's talk abt the key guys. A lot of the fans will say Sneijder. b/c we all know he's the heartbeat on all things Dutch. In fact, everything in the attack goes through him. But it's really tricky to pinpoint who to earmark. Barring the correct de Jong due to the last World Cup, I can pretty much say "Hey look at Van der Vaart!" "Look at Robben! "Look at how van Bommel is gonna headbutt that bloke with Boulahrouz emulating Keano!" Okay, the final statement is a joke due to that crazy footbrawl N ages back against Portugal. (Which is an outright irony srsly now) So if I really wanna do the hardest task at hand, it should RVP. A lot of talk has been said on his sometimes(?) erratic(?) form, but still no one knew what did RVP stands for last time round when Wenger signed him. Last time police still wear shorts, guys. ofc given the kind of talent the Dutch have at their disposal (to be fair, de Jong Sr is far more reliable than Lampard/Gerrard/Barry/etc), it's not really fair for RVP to be RVD(amn)'ed if things happen. But still if there's anything I can say here, RVP's greatest weapon lies in his movement. Off-the-ball stuff is the only thing making a diff between the truly intelligent and the truly clever. Case in point: Great ppl will always be intelligent, but not clever by default. (Have to thank a fella bro just now for his exact words. :D)

Now onto Portugal and the Krauts.

Germans. Now there's no need to say abt Manuel Neuer b/c he can effectively defend the vital back end. I'm very damned sure at least. Defence will be all abt Lahm marshalling the backline. Still remember how bloody fast he was in World Cup 2006, but then again being the skipper says quite a lot now. At least Mertesacker ain't that lucky. For whatever reasons anyway. So now who? Bastian "Bastion" Schweinsteiger. Why? From the orthodox dead-ball winger to the current Paul-Scholes-minus-the-card-bait. It's really surprising to see how combative he has gotten as a center mid while knowing how to cut down on the Tome of all ppl blacklisted. Given the relative inexperience we're seeing in the current Krauts, Löw really needs a mature head to marshal the kids. And let's not kid ourselves. Lahm is a capable leader, but given what we've seen in the backline so far, it's a no-brainer that the squad needs a 2nd in command. b/c a vast majority of the real talents lies in the attack. In fact Bastion doesn't even need to sit back and bark orders. b/c he's no barking dog. Barring the aforementioned gungho-ness, there's such a thing called "I still can kill with dead balls". (No innuendo intended) As I've said, I'm seeing him as a Paul Scholes w/o the card-bait. Bluntly put, at least he can tackle.

Portugal: A lot of ppl tend to forget that if NOT for that disaster called Carlos Queiroz, the qualifiers wouldn't be that clear-cut. Altho Paulo Bento screwing up at the most crucial moment is a fact. So now comes the biggest question: Is Portugal a one man team? Might not be that simple. CR7 flopped at the big stage? Well maybe we should take a look at who bossed the team post-Big Phil. Actually I only remember Paulo Bento for all the right reasons so far. Queiroz is remembered due to the irresisitible force called "me=boss=responsibility to be sacked". So now we'll have to come to the key man since any other players mentioned as the result will get me killed by all the horny fangirls not-so-amused. Bento. He's the only guy that matters. Why? Again we'll have to see how he managed to take the team back from the grave. I'll be a bloody damned good liar if I were to say Portugal didn't look like a team of dead men walking prior to this fella being plonked into the hot seat.

Some thoughts ahead of the Slavic civil war...

Okay, barring the fact that both are from East Europe and both used to be a part of USSR before Gorbachev (sp?) officially played the demolition job for good, let's just talk abt my own thoughts in this match while the Poles and Greeks are trolling each other non-stop.

First things first, are the Czechs THAT weak? imo the biggest weak link lies in that they don't really have a go-to guy in the offensive. Even up till now, I still go "Milan Baros=WTF????" Saw the starting line-up. Shit doesn't look good. But that's all folks. It's 4-2-3-1. Pretty unorthodox if you ask me. 4 big blokes, 3 blokes link-up plus 2 blokes breaking up with that last guy upfront. Apparently, no prizes for guessing where I see Baros playing. Now given my own (somewhat hazy) memory of Baros, he used to be a bloody speed demon finisher. But speed isn't the key. He's a finisher. That's all. Which is why I suspect his only viable role will be the lone ranger minus the zany costume ofc. Not that he can do anything much barring that anyway. :S

So now comes the two fellas manning the defence. Now I'll see it as something really interesting. Why? The back 4 should be your last line of defence worst come to worst. Esp the center-backs. For the fullbacks, the front 2 are there to provide cover so that they can go overlap. In fact that's what fullbacks are being paid for anyway. Simply put, the two screens will have to be extremely mobile under the scenario where the Russians end up attacking from the flanks. The greatest lulz? 4-3-3 isn't the kind of wingplay shit on the pitch. Simply put, the fullbacks will be far more vital than what we might think otherwise.

For the Russians, it's their best bet in playing width while the center 3 are there to reinforce the spine of the team. 3 guys forward means Advocaat is trying to go gung-ho on the forward line. imo he won't be THAT baring if not for that one guy whom the Gooners enjoy laughing at. Yes, it's their own guy. Arshavin. But if there's anything to go from what I've seen in the last Euro, he can AND will destroy your entire base. Case in point: Euro 2006. I've forgotten which team, but still that single hand destruction was like... W...T...F... Case in point: The Russians were chanting his name like a national hero ever since Stalin sparked his very own revolution. Altho to be fair Stalin wasn't a saint in any sense of the word. -.-; He DID screw Hitler tho. Okay so I digress here.

So now onto the forward 3. Now if the Czechs want to pull off their own checkmate, this is where the 3 fellas matter the most. The behind 2 are there to break up play, but that's only on paper. The 3 fellas have to do their own fair share as the first line so as to speak. Yet when it comes to linking up, that's where they should really shine. If not, the Czechs will be nailed for good.So who will be the key guy? Ironically, YET another forgotten Gooner. Rosicky. (Wait a sec! Is he still at the Emirates?) So let's get this pretty clear. He's pretty much what Arshavin means to Russia. Yet unlike his counterpart, Rosicky will be playing a far more withdrawn role due to Baros' rep as a finisher. (sorta anyway since I dunno wtf the Czechs are doing on their strikers) If Arshavin can be given a free role, then Rosicky will be the heartbeat of the team. In a very funny sense, it's just like imagining Messi having a go at Xavi on the pitch.

So conclusion between the key guys: Where will I see them play deployment wise? Very simple. If you think Arshavin will be roaming behind, I suspect you might have been tricked. Want this fella to be the spearhead, no prob. Want to drop him back as the actual danger? No issues. Decoy to free up play? Who said it's impossible? But that will mean we shackle little Russia=at least 1/3 battle won. For Rosicky, as long as he doesn't commit himself forward, the other 2 guys behind him can cover his own ass where it will be 2 fellas behind bloke no 3. Baros? pls dun let me state the obvious again. The fact that his first name sounds quite familiar doesn't mean a dime. Period. :S

P.S: If Cech cock up, we can be very sure who to crucify. Full stop. -.-'

Again, a couple of eye candy. b/c me-loser.

So let's talk cock abt Euro 2012. Well sorta anyway...

Well, just a bit of rambling on what's gonna happen come tomorrow onwards. So yeah let's talk abt Poland vs Greece first since for some weird reason, it actually captivated my nation where in fact the entire Huat-The-Fish effect is well... the cause.

So let's get this clear first. We all know Poland is the joint host with Ukraine. We all know they well... erm... have home advantage. (duh!) So does it translate to an ACTUAL advantage. Well maybe we should see things this way: The Greeks enjoy playing shit football. We all saw that in 2004 and no reason for them to change their own tactics. Pretty much like why Stoke enjoy playing shit football as well. LITERALLY. Yes, this is an intended insult to the "purists" who think that the Barca way is the only worthy way to winning. The English enjoy laughing at the French for a VERY good (subject to nationalistic bias) reason mind you. -.-'

So now comes the most interesting part. How do we define defensive high ground? Dropping back with 9-10 guys behind the ball while that one lad upfront ended up doing peanuts? Well, actually that's how Greece won their football back then in 2004. So no reason for them not to employ the same tactic. Especially once the Poles fail to score come the first 30 minutes, they're effectively screwed. By their own fans no less. Don't believe me? You're looking at a foreign supporter in all things Boro football. There's a very good reason why we can afford to hammer every bloke on our away trips, but yet being the same kind of blokes at home this season.

So is there any way for the Poles to reverse the potential friendly fire trauma? Well there's a way srsly. But a lot of that will actually hinge on the fans far more than the players. The Poles' only best bet is to play possession. The Greeks can't do a dime w/o the ball barring the customary blood-and-thunder this-and-that. For the Poles, they have to make sure that to win the match, they'll have to use the Greek's tactics against themselves. Mentally anyway. Simply put, it's all abt frustrating the fans and players alike. To kill a troll, one must know how and when to troll. So to my dear Polish blokes: Please don't go apeshit crazy just because your guys fail to nick that goal in the opening 20-30 minutes. Greece will laugh at Poland worst come to worst. And yes, Foin! I'm referring to you in particular, you Greek (ex) emo. :D

P.S: To indicate my status as a no-life SG bloke who can't even afford cable, here is my own self-consolation. @_@

Story of the internet so far...

It started donkey ages ago...

That devolved into:

Ultimately, whatever Tolkien has created, kids crapped upon them all:

 

Modus Operandi?

The Cold Hard Truth?

Remember my comrades, to kill a troll...

The reason why? Someone failed to teach their kids that...

Which Heavens Forbid this LULZ to happen...

And the weirdest crap ever? This is based on a true story. I'm srs...

We all know that ex-SCDF bloke...

But srsly guys, this is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the real deal...

NSFW... you've been warned. Big time. No lying. -.-' 

But if you still dare to take the plunge, I'm not gonna take any responsibility unless you happen to be a 12 yr old kid under no parental supervision. (Yes, that's sarcastic humour coming from yours truly.)